To be known.

It is so important for me to be known, to be understood. But it has never been something that I have ever been able to fully receive from another human being because I can be quite complex, complicated, and frustrating. The typical me wants to be close to someone, but as soon as they get too close, I push them far far away because I don't REALLY want anyone to know me.... Maybe it's fear that they wont love the real me if they knew who I was, maybe I am afraid they will leave me , whatever it is, it is a very real problem that has been there my whole life. It is something I am being made very clearly aware of as God is trying to give me a life. One that includes a myriad of people... And starting from scratch means no one KNOWS me and therefore NO ONE will understand me, so I feel very alone here much of the time.

This morning as I sat in church, I could only think of how desperate I was to just have a moment with God where there was nothing in the way. Not busyness, not confusion, not frustration, not work, not loneliness, not fear or doubt, just Him and me, my heart, that place so deep inside that only He can get to. I couldnt stop thinking of all that He has done for me, and how amazingly blessed I am and in that moment I was filled with emotion over the knowledge that I knew so deep down of how pure and real His love is for me. I melt in His presence because He is so huge, so magnificent, so wonderfully majestic, and at the same time, He is my Father and my very best Friend. I imagine I will spend the rest of my life totally lost and mystified by His love.

My desire is to be known. The truth is I AM known. Maybe not by you, or by the people that I interact with on a daily basis. But the One that knows me is the One that has my heart forever.