Lunchtime thoughts

In a world that is full of so much human conflict, where pride, ego and materialism rule the world, I have never been more aware of these attributes inside myself than I have been over the last couple months. Within each humans struggle, lies the unavoidable existence of sin. I am learning that it is only in recognizing that sin and realizing our total inability to control or change it, is where true freedom is found.

I've spent a lot of time trying to change who I am or control the sin in me and when I realize I am still the same I am defeated. My power on it's own craves goodness for about 2.5 seconds. It is then that the sin in me wins the battle and begins to feed itself on my own selfish desires. It is here that emptiness and sadness finds me. It is here where my dependence on God grows.

I have come to realize that I am an empty vessel without God. A moving body with no soul. No point. No purpose but to succumb to the pain and be caged inside myself forever. It is only in my surrender that I become alive and free. It is only in my dependance on Him where I become a part worth playing. It is only in giving God ALL the glory where my soul awakens and becomes more visible than my body.

As I look at my friends, family, colleagues and even the strangers I pass on the street, I see so much hurt, so much heartache, and I wonder if there is an chance for the world to be a better place.

My heart tells me YES. God's goodness is in the very air we breathe. But it is only when we, as individuals, recognize our overwhelmingl glaring need for Jesus Christ that we will begin to breathe His air.

When I surrender, I change. Now if only I can convince the world to do the same.

Our God is faithful

I have heard two people say this week how God had "given" them a scripture at one point or another in their walk. And I was thinking about that, and wondering if God had given me a scripture? And immediately, my answer was yes. I remember reading Ephesians 3:20 very early in my walk with Jesus and knowing without a doubt that it was true and that it would be true for me.

It says "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us" I love that! IMMEASURABLY MORE than all we can ask or imagine...

Today, I stepped back and looked at my life and undoubtedly, God has done immeasurably more than I could have ever asked or even imagined!! Everything that has happened has been so beautifully orchestrated by God and it is so clear that I am right where He wants me... Here is the funny thing, I still I find time to complain and question the will of God.

One thing I know is this: God is faithful and He is good and every day I fall deeper in love with Him. One second without Him would be too long, and I will trust in His plan even if I dont understand it.

A lot of people have said how much courage I have to come here, to leave my life behind and walk into the unknown. I guess it would appear that way, but I honestly dont feel like it took any courage at all. I followed God here. This is where He wanted me, and I knew that so deep in my heart that nothing was going to stop me from coming.

His love

Psalm 63:3 says "Your unfailing love is better than life itself"

This verse is so very powerful to me. I think it is powerful because I have lived my life searching for meaning. I always knew life had a bigger purpose, and I always knew that I was made for something bigger, but I was always unwilling to accept the truth that Jesus died for me, and I was unwilling to surrender to His plan. I thought it was too narrow and I didnt want to walk away from my little shell of a life. I never realized that I was the one that was too narrow until I finally surrendered to His love. It was only then that I realized how abounding, glorious and worthwhile life really was... Little did I know that my life would begin the moment I accepted His love. Little did I know that He would bless me with "infinitely more than I would ever dare dream or hope or even ask for" (Eph 3:20)

I have been reading alot about the life of Jesus lately. The places He walked, preached, the people He spent time with, the people He healed, the people He condemned. The one thing that stands out through it all is His love for every single one of them. Even His enemies. He just loved them beyond any reason and beyond their own understanding. They all questioned Him, some even betrayed and rejected Him, but His love for them continued despite how they treated Him. This boggles me. How can a man, even God, love like that. How could He love the very people that were about to murder Him for no good reason? The people that believed Him, worshipped at His feet, and the people that denied Him, had Him murdered. Yet His love for them all was the same.

His love really is better than life, and it is my hope that all people will know this...

To be known.

It is so important for me to be known, to be understood. But it has never been something that I have ever been able to fully receive from another human being because I can be quite complex, complicated, and frustrating. The typical me wants to be close to someone, but as soon as they get too close, I push them far far away because I don't REALLY want anyone to know me.... Maybe it's fear that they wont love the real me if they knew who I was, maybe I am afraid they will leave me , whatever it is, it is a very real problem that has been there my whole life. It is something I am being made very clearly aware of as God is trying to give me a life. One that includes a myriad of people... And starting from scratch means no one KNOWS me and therefore NO ONE will understand me, so I feel very alone here much of the time.

This morning as I sat in church, I could only think of how desperate I was to just have a moment with God where there was nothing in the way. Not busyness, not confusion, not frustration, not work, not loneliness, not fear or doubt, just Him and me, my heart, that place so deep inside that only He can get to. I couldnt stop thinking of all that He has done for me, and how amazingly blessed I am and in that moment I was filled with emotion over the knowledge that I knew so deep down of how pure and real His love is for me. I melt in His presence because He is so huge, so magnificent, so wonderfully majestic, and at the same time, He is my Father and my very best Friend. I imagine I will spend the rest of my life totally lost and mystified by His love.

My desire is to be known. The truth is I AM known. Maybe not by you, or by the people that I interact with on a daily basis. But the One that knows me is the One that has my heart forever.

Love story

At this very moment, there is a magical love story being written between God and His church... We are the words in His story.

And no matter how far my heart tries to stray, my soul will be forever anchored in Jesus...

What I know.

I have to tell you that I have been extremely uncomfortable since I have been here. Emotionally and spiritually, I am so far out of my comfort zone. I haven't "felt" God in months and I am sad to say that I have based my whole relationship with Him on a feeling. Not feeling Him has not been easy for me. I am in constant wonder of where He is, what He is up to and I am in desperate need of rescue from my selfish self. I have been wanting and actually acting upon my desire to rebel against all of the goodness that I know because my heart is twisted and confused because I don't feel God, and because I don't understand His plan.

Yet within this confusion and misunderstanding, I am constantly in awe of the ground I stand on. Wherever I go, there is always this sense of wonder within me that I am in a place that I have no business being in. It's a very confusing time for me right now. I am so in love with a God that I have no understanding of, that I know loves me beyond what my mind can conceive and far beyond what I deserve...

And now, I believe I am being faced and challenged with a choice: instead of basing my faith on what I feel, I must now learn to base it on what I know... And what I know is that He is good, He is faithful, He loves me, He will rescue me, His plan is better than mine, He will not let me stumble or fall, and that even in my misunderstanding, His love will carry me...

Truth does not hold its weight in a feeling. Truth is solidified in our hearts, beyond where our feelings can go.

This is what I know.

What is normal anyways?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I thought that would make me feel better, but it really didn't. I really really wish I had something positive and uplifting to say, but truly my heart is in a wretched place. I am in a full blown wrestling match with God. I have been gone almost 2 months and strangely it feels as though I have lived here my whole life. I don't have even one drop of desire to go back. I know that sounds awful because the people I love are there, but because I so deeply believe that God brought me here for a reason I have no desire or intention of leaving until that happens. But not knowing what the reason is is driving me crazy. And I am finding it most hard to be still and when I am still I dont seem to understand a thing or sadly even care.

A lot of things are happening, and I feel like I am coming face to face with the darkest parts of who I am. The parts of me that are ugly and difficult, mean, impatient, and so very very very selfish. I have a lump in my throat just thinking about it. These are the things that are inside of me that have been there my entire life, and come up in every relationship I have ever had and I don't really want to look at them. I don't want to acknowledge their presence because it will absolutely cause pain, but I am afraid that if I don't the pain will be even greater.

Normalcy is a foreign word to me.

Anyways, I really want to write more because I know so many of you are curious as to how I am doing and what I am up to. I love Sydney and I booked a flight to travel to New Zealand in March. Regina is coming to visit me at Christmas and I haven't decided what we are doing yet, but it will definitely include some much needed R&R for her and lots of fun for the both of us. But aside from that, I am on a spiritual journey, a great adventure that will have its ups and downs, its mountaintops and its valleys. And I believe God's plan is bigger than the one I could have planned for myself, but I don't understand any of it right now and that is hard for me to say because my pride wants to tell you that spiritually I have it all figured out, but I don't. I am more confused than ever, and it is a dark place inside my head right now.

There are a couple scriptures that I have been saying in my head the last couple days. Though I can't "feel" God, I know these words to be truth and within them lie a power to conquer anything:

Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God
Psalm 118:24 This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.
Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

p.s. what is normal anyways? and why do we measure ourselves by whether or not we meet its criteria? i mean, do you know anyone normal??? it's a dumb word and i am going to stop using it. okay, saying that actually kinda made me feel better.

Double-life

For months now, I have battled over whether or not to make this blog public, i.e. putting a link to it on my profiles, etc... I have battled because I bare all of who I am on this page and mostly because I talk so openly about my relationship with God. There is this part of me that doesn't want to offend anyone by saying something that non-believers (if they even read this) wouldn't necessarily understand, then they think I am weird and worse, are turned off to God. Then there is this part of me that thinks "this is who I really am". All of the thoughts, all of the words, they are mine and if people think I am weird then who cares. When I was in California, I truly felt like I was living a double life. There was my outer/work life, then my inner/Christian life. I really struggled letting the inner life out in front of the people I worked with. Everyone knows I am a Christian, but few of them knew that every breath I take and every thought I have revolves around Him. It is tiring and agonizing because I don't feel freedom and people don't get to see who I really am.

I started reading The Sacred Romance for about the fifth time yesterday. I couldn't ever get into it, but it was different this time. I wanted to share just a bit from the first chapter that really spoke to me:

"On the outside, there is the external story of our lives. This is the life everyone sees, our life of work, play and church, of family and friends, paying bills and growing older. Our external story is where we carve out the identity most others know. It is the place where we have learned to label each other in a way that implies we have reached our final destination. Bob is an accountant, Mary works for the government, Ted is an attorney... Here, busyness substitutes for meaning, efficiency substitutes for creativity and functional relationships substitute for love. In the outer life, we live from ought., rather than from desire...

The inner life, the story of our heart, is the life of the deep places within us, our passions and dreams, our fears and our deepest wounds. It is the unseen life, the mystery within. It cannot be managed like a corporation. The heart does not respond to principles and programs; it seeks not efficiency, but passion. Art, poetry, beauty, mystery, ecstasy: These are what rouse the heart. Indeed, they are the language that must be spoken if one wishes to communicate with the heart. It is why Jesus so often taught and related to people by telling stories and asking questions. His desire was not just to engage their intellects, but to capture their hearts"

I really loved this because I know that I have really lived my "Christian" life so bare and out in the open for those that are Christians, but for those that are not, I feel like there is this huge part of me that they are missing. And as I was sitting with my thoughts last week, I heard this really deep voice that said "Just let people see who you are" and there it was... My inner life coming face to face with the outer giving it permission to be who it really is.

I want people to know who I really am (mistakes and all), and feeling like I had to hide the very words that make me who I am was just not working for me anymore. So this blog is no longer hiding.

Awaken

WIth everything I have seen, learned, been taught, read or experienced in the last month, I am surprised my head hasn't fallen off. I have been absorbing massive amounts of information about corporate world, while at the same time learning to live in and adjust to a a foreign county. And because it is all so complex, confusing, and overwhelming, the only place I know to look is up. My understanding of what is happening, I believe, is very small. My heart sees a picture that is much bigger than my brain can contain. which I think it explains my lack of communication. I don't know how to describe what is happening in my life right now except that it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make sense that I am where I am at this very moment in time. I was thinking today about how perfect God's timing is. He is so good and so perfect and my life will forever be a testimony to His amazing grace. Even if this is as far as I will ever go, it is farther than I ever could have dreamed and it speaks loudly to who He is. But I don't think this is the end, I think it is just the beginning and I am not sure how to approach it boldfully. I have been praying for my spiritual eyes to be reawakened. Actually, there are a couple people specifically that have been praying for me because I haven't been capable of an honest prayer in months. God is hearing their prayers and for that I am grateful. I am grateful that there is once again a thirst and a hunger that has been missing for awhile. I am grateful that I am beginning to get a small glimpse of what I am doing here, that He is putting amazing people in my life that seem to know me already. I have been having a lot of conversations about choosing between light and darkness. I have had my eyes closed for what seems like forever and the tighter they shut the harder it was becoming to see the light. But I am slowly remembering that the only thing that matters is that Jesus loves me more than life itself, and that the only thing that truly matters to me is to live my life in such a way that other people may come to the same understanding.

Looking in the wrong direction

I am sitting on a bench looking out into the waters He has created and I am filled with a sadness I haven't felt in a very long time. Sadness that I have selfishly created in order to avoid responsibility, accountability and truth. Over the last few months, I have turned my attention from the One that has given me a life beyond my imagination and it has turned to the world that in my faithless eyes, looks so much bigger and smarter than me. I have allowed myself to become overwhelmed by the giant that is in front of me. Faith and trust are the answer but I seem to have misplaced them. My faith has been looking in the wrong direction and trust has drifted at sea. I can't put words to what is happening and I can't explain what God is doing, all I know is that I am about to face a giant bigger than any I have faced before. There is a calm in the air but it's coming and life is doing it's very best to pull me in the direction where I forget who I really am so that I stumble and fall when it comes my way. The life that I used to know is gone and I find myself desperately fighting to get back to that place where my faith actually moved mountains. The more I try, the further away I get. But there is a deep sense that God is teaching me a new way to trust, where reliance comes not in a feeling, but in truth alone. And trusting in truth alone is so very hard when the life around me is screaming.

So much bigger - Immersed Version

Since I have been in Australia, I have had this weird sense of unfamiliarity, mentally and spiritually. Whenever I face a situation where I realize that there is life beyond my little bubble, especially one where things are so different from my own, I am filled with this paralytic confusion. When I went to Africa, my relationship with God changed. I felt so close to Him before I went, and after experiencing things that were so unfamiliar to me, and seeing things far more different than I had ever seen before, I was confused because I no longer understood God. He got bigger and I couldn't comprehend Him and it took me months to breathe it all in and get back to a place where I felt close to Him again... Anyways, I am back in that place. Everywhere I go I find myself experiencing and seeing things I had never seen before, nor knew existed and God has become so much bigger. You see, I know that God is bigger than I will ever understand, but I think that is a truth that I don't fully allow to sink in to my heart. I think I create Him in my heart and mind to be what I understand Him to be, and when He becomes more than that, my understanding of who I am to Him becomes diminished. I suddenly can't fathom why He would want to be part of my life, especially when I am sucking entirely as a human. And yet I look around and cant help but see how much He is blessing me. 

Anyways, my head is in all sorts of places right now. I am the full array of emotions. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and in a constant state of confusion at the same time. But I have no doubt that He is teaching me something in this. About who I am in Him, about who I am to Him and how His love knows no bounds and is above all of my questions. 

I continue to trust even in my doubt and I continue to seek even in my lack of desire.

Where I am supposed to be

Today I feel:

Sad

Lonely

Depressed

Frustrated

Confused

Lost

Curious

Anxious

but also...

Hopeful

No one said this would be easy. I followed God here. I left everything and followed  Him here without knowing what was in store for me. I imagined that once I got here, all of the distance that I felt with God before I left would leave and I would suddenly be back in that place with Him... you know, that place where He is all that matters and where nothing makes sense but it doesn't matter because you know He is with you and that He loves you and nothing can stop your love for Him. I imagined once I stepped foot into the church, I would have the sense that I am home, where I belong... But this is not how I feel. I have been wandering around the city alone for 8 days now. I am insanely lonely. Everyone at the church is really nice on the outside, but I am struggling with having faith in its authenticity, especially after the latest scandal that surrounds the worship team. 

But I remain hopeful. It is very early still, I just got here and these things take time. God brought me here to teach me something, probably several things and I need to be patient. But I find patience hard to attain when I have no idea what I am being patient for. I was reminded today about Abram, who left his home and his family for the unknown simply because God told him to. (Genesis 12:1) I have faith because others have gone before me, and because God is good always and even in the midst of my doubt and confusion, He is here.

This is my dream. I am at the beginning of an amazing adventure. In a place that may be scary and unfamiliar, yet luckily for me, it is also incredibly beautiful. So though I may feel all of these mixed emotions, I know I am right where I am supposed to be. 

Love

I am starting to wonder if God didn't bring me here to make me fall in love with Him all over again...

Pilgrimage

I turned on the tv yesterday and the first words I heard were:

"This isn't a holiday, it's a pilgrimage"

Those words so accurately describe what I am doing in Australia. This is not a holiday, it is a pilgrimage... to learn more and grow deeper in Christ. I have no idea what is in store for me over the next couple years, and at this very moment I wish I did. I do not like the uncertainty of everything right now. But it is what it is and this is all part of the growing experience. I cannot grow without change and change doesnt happen without pain. This morning was the first morning in months that I woke up with God's name on my lips. I have felt so very disconnected from Him in all the busyness of everything. But I know He has me. I know He will pull me through this and is right by my side in the midst of the loneliness. He has promised to never let me go and I am holding fast to that promise.

I am beginning to relate to one of my all time favorite movie charaters, Dorothy. We are very similar you know. A tornado came in, ripped me up out of the life I was living in and has dropped me in the land of Oz. I feel like I am at the very beginning of the yellow brick road where she discovers all the munchkins that live there. They are all the same, and she sticks out like a sore thumb. The difference between her and I is that I am not ready to click my heels home. Instead, I am ready to walk along the path to find my place, to accomplish all that God has for me here. Now if only I can get Him to send me 3 cute boys to help guide my way. Preferably not wearing costumes..... :)

Neglected

I feel like I am neglecting this blog a bit so I thought I would post a quickie.

I am still trying to gain perspective of my feelings right now. They are in a million places. Overwhelmed with newness is the only way I can describe it. 

I had dinner with a girl that works at Macquarie and goes to Hillsong tonight. We briefly chatted about how I got over here, and without going into any detail I described God's goodness and blessing in my life. I am still waiting for the moment that I break down when the reality of what He has done hits me. 

I am going to Hillsong tomorrow night in the city, and Sunday morning in the Northern Beach extension. Please pray that God will speak loud and clear to me. I need to hear Him so desperately.

Why?

For over two years I have been asking God "why" this, and "why" that. Why does this hurt so bad? Why do I have to go through the fire to be refined? Why wont you bless me? When will this be over? Why WHY WHY!!! Today, as I sit here with approximately 7 days left in the states I look back ashamed of my unbelief, at my discontent, at my selfish spoiled rottenness. Who do I think I am? I mean, I do not deserve even one ounce of what God is giving me, and I still find time to complain. I am truly wretched at times. The last few weeks have been strange. I have been tempted with worldly pleasures and I have been consumed by busyness which has left me little time for God. I force myself to read my bible and my daily devotions, though the words go in one ear and out the other. I sing and worship to God every day but I am unaffected. I do it because I cant not do it. It is all I have come to know and I cant imagine my life without these things, but when they have no affect on me it scares me. I dont want His words to not have an impact. I understand though that I am going through the biggest change of my entire life and that things are going to be a bit screwy. Saying that I am dealing with a high amount of stress is an understatement.  Along with everything that needs to be done, and trust me there is a lot, the spiritual warfare is intense. And it is different than it has ever been. I dont trust myself right now and my "feelings" are that I dont trust God either. It is a scary place to be. I feel like I am drifting alone at sea, and I am living 100% in faith that God is carrying me through this because there are times when I wonder if I am just plain crazy. 

But "Why" has been an never-ending question because of all that has happened the last 3 years. Today I talked to my boss in Sydney for the first time about what I was going to be doing when I get there. He told me that the boss of my company that I work at now asked him "Why" is he transferring me. To many of you that may not mean anything, but to me it means a great deal. He asked why because they dont transfer people like me. I am a nothing, nobody bottom of the pool worker. I felt in an awkward position because I dont know why they are transferring me either. I mean, I dont have any special skills, or great vast knowledge about negotiating contracts so I couldn't justify the question by saying "I'm amazing!! That's why". My boss in Sydney is a really nice guy and I am really excited about working with him, but I could hear the quiver in his voice that he didn't know how to answer the question either... 

And as I was driving home, I asked "Why, God? Why is this all happening to me??" And just as I was driving I looked and saw a monstrously huge tree that looked just like the one in Africa, and I felt Him say "that's why!" And then as I was driving, I drove past a row of trees that all looked like that, one after the other after the other after the other. And I know in a place so deep in my heart that there are so many more days like the one in Zim coming,  and I have absolutely no idea what my job has to do with any of this except that it is a means to get me where God wants me. And I so desperately want to figure everything out, I want to understand my job, and I want to be good at it, but I am afraid that I will get sucked into it and all the glamour of it and I dont know how to be good at it unless I give it everything I have and I dont know how to give it everything without getting sucked in. It's so confusing and overwhelming. 

But the bottom line is that I am going to Australia next week. Without an answer to that question. I mean, I am sure there are several hundred reasons why, but I have yet to learn what they are. And as the next few weeks approach, I will pray intently about what God is going to do, how He is going to use me, and mostly that I will quit asking "why", and just trust in His plan.

New Hillsong Album

I finally got my hands on the new Hillsong album courtesy of my wonderful friend Josiah. I have had one of the songs stuck in my head since the first time I heard it over a month ago and tonight these words ring truer for me than they ever have. 

"This is my prayer in the desert, when all that's within me feels dry

This is my prayer in my hunger and need, my God is the God who provides

I will bring praise, I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice I will declare

God is my victory and He is here"

My praise has been dry, my hunger has been dry, but I know without a doubt that His breath is upon me and His face is shining upon me as I prepare to embrace this exciting new adventure. 

"This is my prayer in the harvest, when favor and providence flow

I know I'm filled to be emptied again, the seed I've received I will sow"

Hard Shell

I don't really know what I want to say, but I know that I need to write. Every night I sit down at my computer and stare at this screen knowing that my heart has something to say, but my mind can't form any of it into sentences because none of it makes sense right now.  

Ok, that's all I can get out. I have been sitting here for 30 minutes and still nothing will form. I am a hardshell and my emotions are trying to break free, but my mind wont let them...

His love

I spent hours today sitting on the beach with a friend playing in the sand and talking for hours about God, His word and how there is so much of Him that we do not understand. He baffles and amazes me all in one. We talked about all the evil in the world and the inhumanities and injustice and I talked about my overwhelming curiosity about the jews, and how they are His chosen people and still pray to Him, but failed to ever acknowledge His son. We sat there and wondered aloud about all of our confusion. The why's, the what if's, the disagreements in the church. I want to know the answers. I dont like being confused. But with all of the questions that swirl in my mind on a daily basis, one thing was clear: His love for us is far unlike anything else in this world and no matter how many questions we ask, His love will always remain. 

Today I...

Today I got on my knees and prayed

Today I talked to someone I love

Today I ate lunch with the birds

Today I was pampered

Today I wore my hair in a ponytail

Today I drove a long way to get out of the city

Today I listened to my heart

Today I sat on the edge of a cliff for hours

Today I was mesmerized by the ocean 

Today I chased a wild rabbit

Today I knocked on a strangers door

Today I climbed a mountain in flipflops

Today I found the silence I have been looking for

Silence Needed

I have been going nonstop at a rate of about 375 mph... My few days left here are zooming by. This time next month, I will be on Australian soil. I am desperately craving quiet peaceful solitude. But I think that even if I was alone on an empty beach right now, my thoughts wouldn't sit still because there is still so much to do. I am trying to enjoy the remaining time as much as I possibly can, but I am constantly being haunted by my own thoughts and fears. 

I talked to my mentor Virginia on Sunday. It was a much needed conversation. She shed some light on the reasonings behind some of what has been happening to me the last couple months. I told her how much I have been struggling with my own mind, my utter ugliness that I so desperately wish was not there, but it is and how I love God more than life itself, but yet I still think the thoughts I think and act the way I act...  As always, she made me feel better. Reminded me how much God loves me, and how 3 years ago we talked about this day and now it is here.

Then last night I was reading some blips from Abba's Child by Brennan Manning and this one paragraph really stuck out at me..... "When we accept the truth of what we really are and surrender it to Jesus Christ, we are enveloped in peace, whether or not we feel ourselves to be at peace. By that I mean the peace that passes understanding is not a subjective sensation of peace; if we are in Christ, we are in peace even when we feel no peace."

I absolutely love that. I am IN peace. I am enveloped in peace. I am immersed in peace. Peace is surrounding me like a cloud and follows me wherever I go. But for some reason I allow confusion to poke its head through, look around and then make itself comfortable. I allow the confusion, anxiety and fear to take precedent. When will I learn? I'm not really sure, but for today I will accept that I still have growing to do. That I am not where I want to be, but I am right where I am supposed to be. I will take a deep breath and thank God for another day and rest in the fact that I am living an abundantly extraordinary life and that I am loved far beyond my imagination and that peace is right here even though I cant see it or feel it, that I am in it as I sit here and write this solely because Christ lives and dwells in me. What an amazing thing. Thank God that I don't have to feel something for it to be true. 

And I know that the silence my mind is longing for will come. It will soon come on a stretch of sand in Sydney Australia while I am breathing air I never imagined I would actually breathe.

My future commute part 2

Just pulling up to work...

My future commute to work

Good-bye 405 and mean honking drivers.... Hello Manly Ferry!

OMG!!!

Look who is singing at next years Hillsong conference July 7-10 ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!

Coincidence??? I think not.

Wake me up.

I cant describe the way I feel except un-everything. I am unexcited, undetermined, unenenergized and unmotivated. I am so tired all the time. All I want to do it sleep. I am turning 30 in 4 days, moving to australia in 42, starting a new job in 56 and running a half-marathon in 76. There is so much to be done. Training physically, preparing emotionally, and most importantly praying intently on all that is happening. I know this and yet I cannot find the energy to bring myself to my knees to seek Jesus, to ask for guidance and peace and all that is needed during this enormous change. I only have 42 days left before I have to say goodbye to the life I have known for 17 years. It is as though sleeping has become my therapy, my way to cope with the reality of what is happening. But I do not want to sleep through this. It is too good.

Romans 13:11

The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed.

Tonight, this is my prayer: Lord, please wake me up from my slumber and help me prepare for all You have placed before me. You have never given me more than I can handle. Help me to be spiritually alive and walk through this with your grace upon me. I love you.

More than stairs

I just got back from climbing the excruciatingly painful stairs. I seriously dont know why I torture myself. This was the climb from beginning to end:

Bottom of stairs looking all the way up thinking "Who put these here and why?!?!"

Start climbing

3 stairs up and dying with what seemed to be about 1,000 more to go 

1st stack done, stop for breath

More climbing.

Half way: First thought - "That's good enough, I think I'll go back now"

Half way: Second thought - "You will not give up now, no you won't!"

More stairs with people climbing back down: "Ahhhh! Inspiration! If they can do it, so can I!!"

Almost there!!

WOOHOOO!!! I made it! Victory!

Back down I go

Yes, there is a point to all of this. As I was climbing, I was thinking how very similar my walk with Christ is. It is a climb with so very many stops in the middle to rest, to gain strength and to reconnect with Him. So much of the time I want to quit and give up. It's too hard! But there are people who have gone before me that inspire me to keep going, to not give up and to strive for the goal. And though it is painful at times, and is strenuous and tiring, I keep going because He gives me strength. And once I reach the top and start my descent downward, I hope that I may become that pillar of inspiration to those that are on their way up after me. 

At any rate, I am gross and sweaty now and need a shower. Just in case you were wondering.

Ticket-free day

So I didn't get pulled over today nor did I open my mailbox to find a picture of myself breaking the law and getting find $400, so today I claim victory!! I have gotten 3 tickets in the last 2 months and I am now a scared chicken in my car these days!! I was ticket free for the last 10 years.  I am blaming in on living in L.A. Either someone is honking at me, cutting me off, giving me dirty looks or tailgating me. No wonder I am terrified to leave my house.

I guess it's a good time to leave the country. :)

Panic and Peace

Today was day two of a near panic attack. When I say panic attack, I actually mean panic attack. Uncontrollable crying, shortness of breath. My friend Sue suggests I start carrying around a brown paper bag wherever I go because I'm pretty sure this is only just beginning. I am starting to get scared. I haven't ever sat down like a full grown adult and asked myself if I am making the right decision. Is moving to Australia wise? Is it the right thing to do? The right time? What if I hate it? I haven't asked myself any of these questions because I never thought to. In my mind, this has been all along God ordained and in His plan for me from the very start and so I never really asked myself if I should or shouldn't go. So finally, 7 weeks before I am set to leave, the reality of what is about to happen is starting to sink in and I am getting scared. I hate change and this is the biggest change of my life. Everything will change, including me. I am about to leave everything that has ever been comfortable. My friends, my family, my bed, my car, my safety net of hermitness, ranch dressing and peanut butter! This will all be replaced by a new job, in a new country, new friends, new enemies I am sure, new streets, new food (vegemite, yuck!), new everything, nothing familiar and that scares the living hell out of me. 

However.....

There is a peace. And it lies deeper than any panic. It sits in my heart far beyond the fear and doubt and it is constantly saying to me "this is where you are supposed to go". This isn't about a choice, it's about following God and He is leading me on the wildest ride of my life. Why wouldn't I follow Him? Panic or not, I am going. I said I would go to the ends of the earth, and I meant it. I never imagined He would take me up on it.

Psalm 16:8 I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

3am...

It's 3am. (almost). I went out tonight for the first time on a Friday night in a REALLY long time. I ventured way out of my comfort zone and hung with virtual strangers and in turn made some really great friends (Josiah, you're awesome!!).... Two of whom have lived in Sydney.... Coincidence? No such thing in God's House.! I am so glad I listened to the still small voice that said "Go, and be with people..... It's time" 

I dont have much more to say beyond that because I am tired, and mostly I felt the need to tell someone that I was up until 3am.... But my heart is so happy tonight. God is so good and I am so incredibly overjoyed. He gives me a reason to sing and a reason to share love with others. I love Him with all of my heart. 

Anti-social and missing my family

I have been very anti-social since I got home from Ohio. It isn't in my nature to be anti-social because I am such an extrovert. I need people to bounce energy off of and blogging and myspaceing has partially contributed to me being a hermit because it allows me to be social and communicate my point across without any interaction. Even worse, when I get in my "introvert mood" as I have been the last couple days, I don't even want to get online and that poses a problem because I inevitably end up sitting in my head and throwing myself one big giant pity party.......

At any rate, here I am. I have been super busy at work and haven't had time to upload pics from my trip yet, but I thought I would share a few of my favs. Going home is always a such a gift. Being able to spend time with Brennan and the kids is so wonderful. I love my family so much it hurts. I cried the whole day I was leaving. I hate leaving them. And this time was no exception knowing I am leaving the country in 2 months. I can't talk about it because I will cry again, but one thing I will say is that my brother is the most amazing father and he is my best friend. My niece and nephew are priceless gifts from God and I am so grateful that they love me as much as they do. 

Off to Ohio

I am showered and clean and ready to sleep for an overnight flight to Detroit. Where is Regina's ghetto fabulous track suit when I need it?? I can't wait to see my family. I can't wait to go shopping and play guitar with my niece. She is teaching me now!! And I absolutely positively cant wait to go see Kung Fu Panda with my nephew. He has been waiting since June 6th just to see it with me!! 

Home.

Today was not a good day. By the end of the day I was so full of anxiety, that I was pretty sure a panic attack was going to set in. I sat at my desk all day in a very dark place in my mind. Can I be honest with you? I have put all of my hopes, all of my worth, everything into moving to Australia. In this weird twisted way, though I know it is an incredible blessing of God, I have also allowed it to become this thing that defines me. Because let me tell you something. I dont have a plan B. I dont have a backup to fall into if this doesnt work out. I am not worth the price of beans when it comes to being a valuable employee. I dont have what everyone else has, the degrees, the expensive education, the smarts. And I sit every day looking at the ones around me that do and lowering my self worth by the minute because of it. And recently when word got out that I am the one moving, I saw the expression on some people's face that said "YOU?!" "Why on earth does she get to go?!" I mean, I havent heard anyone say that, but I see it. I am very aware of the perception. Here is the crazy thing. This is a small minority of people. Most people are genuinely excited for me, but it's this small percentage that have what I don't in the ways of smarts and education so comparisons are always fluttering around me. 

At lunch, I took a walk alone. I prayed, no actually I begged God for a sign. Something to give me peace inside. Immediately I started looking all around at signs, billboards, buses thinking I would acutally get a sign. I got nothing.... Until I got home.

When I got home I put on my ipod and headed for the massive stack of stairs I have recently discovered in my neighborhood and I threw on a podcast that my friend burned for me over the weekend by Tim Keller, a pastor in NYC. He was preaching on the prodigal son in a way I had never heard before, but what stuck out most to me, no actually it knocked me off my feet and smacked me so hard in the face was a part where he quoted Henri Nouwen in a book that he wrote on the same topic:

"Home is the center of my being where I can hear the voice that says "You are my beloved, in whom I'm well pleased" Jesus made it clear that the same voice that He heard in the Jordan River and on Mount Tabor can be heard by me. He makes it clear that there's a home with the Father. But if I decide to keep control, if I go out into the world, I will keep running around asking everything "Do you really love me, do you really love me?" I give all the power to the voices of the world and it's the world that defines me then. The world's love is full of "if's" Yes, I love you IF you're good looking, IF you're intelligent, IF you're well off, IF you're educated, IF you have connections, IF you're productive.... Endless if's. And it is not too hard to know when I have left home spiritually.... Resentment, jealousy, desire for revenge, lust, greed, ambition, rivalry are all obvious signs that I have left home, that I am letting the world define me with it's love full of if's... But when I am home with the Father, when I know I am the beloved, I can confront and console and admonish and encourage without any fear of rejection, or need for affirmation. I can suffer persecution without desire for revenge or receive praise without using it as proof for my goodness."

Can I tell you something else? I have left home spiritually. I felt every single once of these things today and I am letting the world define me. I have no right to say I love Jesus when I hold jealousy and contempt in my heart. But these things come so naturally for me and I dont know how to not feel them. I am so afraid that this one amazing opportunity will fall through the cracks, I will be humiliated and then the world will see that I am a big fat loser who had no business going in the first place so I feel this need to protect it, to throw my arms around it and cling for dear life. 

This is the truth: Home is not in Sydney. It isnt California and it certainly isnt my job. It is a place in my heart where His opinion of me is the only one that matters and that regardless of my situation I am complete, I am forgiven and I am loved.

I want to go home.

unkind

I havent been myself lately. I have had a very short temper and I've been getting angry with people. I havent been kind. I am easily frustrated and impatient with others. I don't know what's going on with me.  It's like a wave of my old self has crashed over me.

I don't like it and hope it goes away soon.

Heavy heart

My heart is heavy tonight. I'm not really sure why, it just hurts. The last couple days of sifting through the box my dad gave me that was filled to the brim with traces of my mother has sparked a chord inside me that I have never heard. It is strange to have grown up without her only to be given a tiny glimpse of who she was 20 years after she died. As I sat with everything from the box scattered in a circle around me last night, I was in tears and looked to God for an answer to the pain that this has caused the course of my life. I know He is in it, I know He held every bitter tear she must have cried, I know he gave her the strength to walk through her battle with her head held high and mostly I know He gave her the courage to write those letters to us before she died. I really miss her. 

Last night's journal entry...

Tonight, my father and I shared tears. We shared belly-aching laughter. We shared hours that are now trapped into a memory timecapsule never to be forgotten. He brought over to my house a box that held decades of memories. One box filled with generations of treasure. Some memories I had forgotten and some I had never known about. A box filled with life's story of my mother. But even better than pictures..... Letters. Her handwriting on paper. Word after word written to tell the story I never knew about. Love letters to my father. Love letters from him to her. "Now that I have you, I don't even know that the sea exists"...... A piece of paper filled with one liner's. Apparently she loved jokes. I never knew that. Happy letters and oh-so-sad ones. My dad and I were sharing a very special moment in time. Combing over the life of my mother. He read to me through his tears a letter she had written right before she had died about her wishes for the funeral. Now we were both in tears, and I was so grateful for this moment. My mother died when she was 39. As I approach 30, the thought of dying only 9 short years from now is terrifying. She had battled cancer since 24. But I know that God was with her. Her bibles, her rosary, all in the box. How I will treasure these priceless gifts that he has given me. There were also letters I had written. Letters to boys and best friends... More laughter, more tears. I didn't look at all of it. I want to savor every moment in there. More than anything, tonight made me miss her desperately. It will be 20 years in October. 20 years I have been without her. How did I ever survive? There is so much of my childhood that I can't remember. Most of it actually and I cry when i look at the memories and they dont bring anything back. I have blocked most of it out because the pain was so great. I have always had very few memories of her, but tonight that changed. I cant remember her, but her soul is etched in my heart in a way that I cant explain with words. I dont know who she was, but I am her. I will never forget this night.

Unopened box

While searching for some required visa documentation in an unopened box still packed from when I moved over a year ago, a piece of paper came floating out with a poem on it by Mother Theresa that I thought I would share with you.....

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it

Life is a beauty, admire it

Life is a dream, realize it

Life is a challenge, meet it

Life is a duty, complete it

Life is a game, play it

Life is a promise, fulfill it

Life is sorrow, overcome it

Life is a song, sing it

Life is a struggle, accept it

Life is a tragedy, confront it

Life is an adventure, dare it

Life is luck, make it

Life is life, fight for it

I love that. 

Hillsong Sydney: Oceans Will Part

In just a few months I will be worshipping God with the very people you see in this video. This song  has fast become my new favorite. I've been listening to it like crazy for the last couple weeks. It accurately describes what God is doing in my life. He is so good to me and I as I sat here and watched this video I burst into a mysterious combination of hysterical laughter and tears of joy. I am so overwhelmed with the blessings and I am just in awe that this is all really happening. Someone please pinch me, for this dream cant be real. Why would He part an ocean for me???

Praying for passion

One of the things that has consistently been said about my faith, is that it is full of passion. Over and over again people have told me how I have inspired them by it and how I am overflowing with passion. My walk with God has taken me to places I never even imagined. I spoke to my ex-boyfriend this week. We were together for 7 years and broke up 4 years ago, and as we emailed back and forth, i was filled with mixed emotions that no time had passed, but at the same time, my whole world is different and that life seems like a lifetime ago. When I started my job 2 1/2 years ago I knew I was supposed to be there. I knew God was taking me on a journey. I knew I had finally been thrust into the life I was created for. My heart was filled with an abundance of passion and excitement and the thrill of the unknown. Little did I know how painful it was going to be. Little did I know that He was going to start cleaning out my heart and teaching me how to love the lost and unloveable. Little did I know that He was going to use my life as an example to an entire company of people. I haven't spent very much of my time as a Christian reflecting upon my past. I have different feelings about it. On one hand, it is a very important piece of who I am, and it only magnifies who God is because I should be dead or in jail or still strung out on drugs on a street corner. I should talk about how for years and years my relationship with my father was non-existent, how he abandoned me, how I felt so alone as a 13 year old girl and how I blamed God for killing my mother.... On the other hand, the majority of me has kept most of that inside because once I saw the truth of who I was and what I was created for, that whole life seemed to suddenly make sense. I finally understood why all that happened to me and I became extremely grateful for the sucky life that was handed to me. I thanked God that He had given me the blessing of understanding gut-wrenching pain, loneliness, abandonment, rejection, depression, and so many other things because now I could embrace freedom the way it was intended. True freedom living in the hands of Christ knowing that He had been by my side all those days I rejected Him just waiting for the day I would embrace Him. He knew the life that He was preparing for me..... Little did I know....

Well, for the last couple years I have said time and time again "I dont understand His plan, but I know it's big" And certainly this is bigger than I would have imagined. 

Since I started my job I have struggled to embrace it. I have embraced the people, and I have embraced the idea that God wants to use me to "witness without words" to them. To shine His light in that very lost and dark place. But recently He has been telling me to embrace my job. The actual work, which has been so difficult for me because it is work that is hard for me to understand. I work in the legal department and my job is to learn how to negotiate contracts. I didnt go to law school, and I dont even have a degree. I am a receptionist. I know how to be cheery and answer the phones. And I have really struggled in this area because for a long time I said "it's not about the job"..... Little did I know.... Because it is about the job. It is about so many other things also, but the job is part of it. I think the greatest fear of embracing it is that I will become enslaved by it. I have tried to explain the darkness of that place, but it is hard to. Money controls the minds of the leaders. Pride and ego are unlike anything I've ever seen. Hearts are hardened and I am looked upon with hatred by some people. Others love me, they see me for who I really am, and I truly try to embrace those people. For the last couple weeks life has been put in fifth gear and I am starting to feel a bit overwhelmed and the reality of what is about to happen is hitting me. My prayers have really been struggling and I have not been able to hear God. It is as though I am neglecting Him when I need Him the most. It is as though the passion is gone.... I told you that I was feeling led to read about Elijah.. I have been. I have been reading about his faith and his walk. And yesterday I got smacked in the face listening to Jenetzen Franklin. He was talking about passion and how it preceeds power. He was talking about Elijah and his passion. How God's power always follows when His children are passionate. As I look back at everything that has happened and the events leading me up until now, I see God was filling me with His power, His might, His strength and was literally parting the Red Sea for me because of my passion. Because I believed with all my heart that He could, and that He would. My worst fear was revealed to me this week: The more He gives me, the more I think I deserve it and the blinder I become to what He has and continues to do for me. My passion has faded over the last couple months and that breaks my heart. I dont want this life if it means I lose my passion. I would rather have nothing and have Him, than have everything without Him. So last night the most honest prayer I have prayed in awhile came out: "Lord, if this is NOT your will, if I will lose you, please take it away."  I dont know if He will. I have a feeling not. And if He doesnt, my prayer is that He never allows me to lose sight of who I really am and what He has done for me. That all of this is happening because of Him. I pray that He will evolve me in my job and equip me to be good at it AND to be whole-heartedly faithful to Him because up until now I havent figured out how. But today I woke up wanting Him more than anything, and I woke up feeling passion and wanting to write and share with you, which is something I havent felt in awhile and for that I am grateful.

today...

Everyone pretty much knows at work now that I am transferring. Word was starting to seep out last week and it was VERY strange for me talking about it out loud. I found myself still whispering and telling people to keep it on the down low. But it's pretty much old news now and everyone seems to know. Today I had a crowd of Aussies standing around my desk telling me where I should live, fun cities, where I will catch the ferry, etc... Apparently there is a battle between people who live in the Eastern Suburbs and the Northern Beaches... Wherever you live, it is better than the other. I am drawn to the Northern Beaches (Manly Beach to be exact) for 2 reasons: 1) obviously because its the beach. I desperately miss living close to the water. There is a path along the ocean there that is great for running and there are 2 big parks nearby. 2) i can take the ferry to work. This sounds like it will be kind of a pain in the butt on the days it is raining and they cancel the ferry, but I really like the idea of being able to have a 45 minute commute on a boat every day where I can finally catch up on my reading, listen to my ipod, and gaze out at the ocean. Apparently this is a fun place to meet people also.

On sort of a side off track note, I have been really struggling in my prayers. I'm not making the time for God that I really need right now. The moments that I do stop and pray, it is almost like I am refusing to listen to what He has to say... I am not sure why. I am feeling overwhelmed by the enormity of what is happening. I look at my life 3 years ago and I have absolutely no idea how I got to this place. God has given me a life that I certainly don't deserve and I feel this pressure to not screw it up. I definitely dont think He is putting that there. Worry and fear have unpacked their bags in my heart and have made themselves very comfortable. They create a lot of unnecessary anxiety. At any rate, I dont know where to focus my attention first which I think is why I am struggling. Prayer seems the perfect solution but there are too many things fighting for my attention I dont know where to begin.  

Anyways, I dont understand God's plan. Some other day, I will talk about the Red Sea and how He has parted it for me. I think He wants me to read about Elijah. I have been hearing the story of him praying for rain 7 times a lot the last couple days. I have no idea how that relates to me right now.

Okay, thats all.

Time to breathe

In the next 3 months (well a little less than that) I will be busy preparing to move to another country and planning a fundraiser in 3 cities on 2 continents. On top of that, everyone I know has a birthday this summer, most of whom are turning 30, I'm turning 30, friends are having babies, my niece is turning 13, I'll be visiting family in Ohio, getting jiggy in Vegas, and running my butt off to train for a half-marathon..... And the thought occurred to me tonight: Will I have any time to breathe???

Unafraid

I've been thinking a lot about fear lately. The first bible study I ever went to, I vividly remember the teacher saying that we should "Do it afraid". I really liked that. He wasn't talking about anything specific, just about our fears in general. That we shouldn't let them stop us and that we should push forward into the unknown with our fears and doubt in place.... Well I took his advice and started doing everything afraid.

That was a little less than 3 years ago. Since then, fear has taken a front seat in my life. I have been doing too many things afraid and have sat in the muckiness of doubt and have not been able to fully enjoy the victories that God is doing in my life...

This is my new motto: Do it unafraid. I don't want to be scared anymore. I don't want fear to control my every whim and doubt to get in the way of His blessing. There are too many amazing things happening for me to sit idly by watching them, hoping that nothing bad happens even though promise after promise has been given to me. I don't want to live walking on eggshells because I am so worried about what other people think of me. This is what the bible tells me: I am royalty. The daughter of the King who sits on His throne in Heaven eagerly waiting to bless me. I am loved with an unfailing love and that perfect love drives our fear! He has told me that I am forgiven because of what He has done for me. He has told me there is no condemnation under the power of His name. He has told me I am more precious than jewels. And we know how much value people place on those.... Forgiven, loved beyond any other love, uncondemned and more valuable than jewels..... Today, I will remember these things as I stare at the face of evil waiting to tear me down at work. I will not be afraid of it. I will stare right back at it with the knowledge of who I am and more importantly, who my Father is and I will cling tight to the promise that He is with me always.

Psalm 120: 

 5 The Lord himself watches over you!

   The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.

 6 The sun will not harm you by day,

      nor the moon at night.

 7 The Lord keeps you from all harm

      and watches over your life.

 8 The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,

      both now and forever.

My future home....

I'll be starting the marathon on the bridge, and ending over there at the opera house..... OMG!!!

August 15th

Is my last day in the office working in Los Angeles, California, United States, North America, Nothern Hemisphere!!!

okay, i cant write any more about it. my head is spinning and i need to pray. 

SOOOOOOO EXCITED!

3 years ago...

3 years ago, I accepted Christ. Almost to the day. It was the Thursday before Memorial Day weekend. I remember for years all I would say is "I just want my life to have meant something".... Well, I dont say that anymore, because I know it does. My life has become a priceless gift and each day given to me is a new unwrapped present. I treasure all that my life has become and am so deeply thankful for the love and kindness poured out onto me on a daily basis by my Father.

For your viewing pleasure

Last year, as I was training for the run, this song was on my running playlist. Every time I heard it, I wanted to make a video about the entire experience using this song... Well, a year later and I finally did it. Enjoy.

Grace and promise

 Romans 9: 10-13  To Rebecca, also, a promise was made that took priority over genetics. When she became pregnant by our one-of-a-kind ancestor, Isaac, and her babies were still innocent in the womb—incapable of good or bad—she received a special assurance from God. What God did in this case made it perfectly plain that his purpose is not a hit-or-miss thing dependent on what we do or don't do, but a sure thing determined by his decision, flowing steadily from his initiative. 

What a beautiful description of grace and promise.

public knowledge

Today, on our monthly conference call with the legal teams in Sydney, Houston and New York my boss in Sydney announced that I am transferring...... GASP!! In a matter of two seconds, what I have been holding in for 2 years became public knowledge...  WAIT!! I dont have my visa yet. OR my plane ticket.... YIKES!

I have really struggled to allow myself to believe that this is really all happening. I have been afraid to write about it. If I write about it and if people know about it, then it becomes real, and then when it doesn't happen, I am the idiot. But I am SLOWLY learning about God and His promises. I am learning that God doesnt change and doesnt make promises He doesnt intend on keeping. They are forever regardless of my fear and doubt and disbelief.

My life is about to change in a mighty way.

On another note, I talked to Regina for an hour tonight. I woke her up at 3:30am Zim time and we just talked. About life in general, and we laughed and we prayed. Then I chatted with Jesika. And we just talked. About life and we laughed and shared kindness through our computers. I love my friends. I am so blessed to have Godly women who love Him as much as I do in my life. They are true lights of wisdom.

God is so good to me. I've said it before and I will say it again: I dont deserve Him.

The High Countries

Caedmon's Call sings a song called The High Countries. I have listened to this song probably over 1,000 times. It's one of my most favorite songs, and for the longest time, I had no idea what the song was about, but it was just so beautiful that I didn't care. Then last year when I went to Africa, I read C.S. Lewis's The Great Divorce, and within the first few pages, I began to realize that the song was about this book. Almost every line from the song is a line in the book, and the song began to take on a new meaning.  

I've been listening to it a lot lately. I've been thinking about the book and trying to understand its deeper meaning. It's a very beautiful poetic story about the Great Divorce between Heaven and hell. It takes shape at a bus station in a grey town (hell) with a line of strangers who are angry and frustrated as they all wait to get on the bus. The bus then takes off on into the sky towards the high country (heaven). The people on the bus are ghosts and are offered the chance to explore the countryside with all its green lush grass, waterfalls, etc. And there are solid people that come out from far within the high country to welcome them.  It is very difficult for the ghosts to walk on the grass. Each blade cuts their feet like a knife, the water slices through them most painfully. Everything hurts them. It is VERY difficult for them to stay. Many give up and flee back to the bus which will soon depart back to the grey town where anger and hatred reside. Few remain curious and decide to withstand the pain. The longer they stay, the less painful it becomes as they will become solid if they withstand for just a bit longer.

It's only just this week that it hit me how that is just like our walks with God. It really hurts when we first get here. So much so that sometimes we want to run back to when things didn't hurt and we didnt have to be held accountable for our actions. The more I grow, the more I realize how incredibly pitiful I really am and how I am nothing without God. I am only strong because of Him. Everything good inside of me is a sign that His spirit is in me. My mentor Virginia told me recently "the lower you become, the higher He becomes". I love this, but it is very difficult for someone like me who struggles with pride. But I am determined to not let the devil win the battle against me. God has come so that I can have life more abundantly, and I intend to tap into that power. It's a daily choice. I can allow life to run me over, or I can get back in the car, roll my windows down and sing my heart out. 

"Out on the green plains, I am but a ghost. 

Bound up with all that I call mine, but still the light grows. 

Would you fall to pieces, in the high countries" ~Caedmon's Call

We're only here once. The fight between Heaven and hell is real. And the devil wants to make our lives completely miserable so that we give up and hopefully go back to our sinful ways. This is God's Kingdom. Right here, right now. We are part of the most amazingly wonderfully massively huge eternal story. So let's stop fighting, hating, lusting, boasting, crying, pretending, isolating, judging, accusing, fearing, worrying and lying, and start LIVING, LOVING, CHERISHING, SACRIFICING, REJOICING and work together to bring glory to the One and only that gives us each breath.  

"But what, you ask of earth? Earth, I think, will not be found by anyone to be in the end a very distinct place. I think earth, if chosen instead of Heaven, will turn out to have been, all along, only a region in hell; and earth, if put second to Heaven, to have been from the beginning a part of Heaven itself"~C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce

Let's not put earth before Heaven. We are here MAYBE 80 years or so. We are there forever. It is our lives here that will determine our lives there. Let's open our eyes to see the plan that God has placed before each of us. And let's make every attempt to follow it.

American Idol battle....

Bring on the battle of the David's!!

Searching....

I watched Braveheart last night (thanks Jes for the rental). That movie is a like candy store for quote lovers.  There was one line in there that I had to rewind so I could write it down...

It said "Your heart is free. Find the courage to follow it"

I know in my mind that I am free in Christ, yet my heart still seems to need convincing. I allow worry and fear to bind me up in a little ball and toss me around the crashing waves of life. Depression flanks me and makes me want to shut the world and everyone I love out. "How much longer will this last?" is a daily question I ask myself. I seem to be so connected to God so much of the time, yet I cry and hurt on a daily basis wondering if this is really the life He has called me to. Did I miss it? I'm so selfish. I think really mean things about people that have done nothing to me. I am so insanely blessed it isnt even funny. Why is there so much unrest inside me? 

This is the truth: God is my heart. And today, I am searching for the courage to follow it.