Today I...

Today I got on my knees and prayed

Today I talked to someone I love

Today I ate lunch with the birds

Today I was pampered

Today I wore my hair in a ponytail

Today I drove a long way to get out of the city

Today I listened to my heart

Today I sat on the edge of a cliff for hours

Today I was mesmerized by the ocean 

Today I chased a wild rabbit

Today I knocked on a strangers door

Today I climbed a mountain in flipflops

Today I found the silence I have been looking for

Silence Needed

I have been going nonstop at a rate of about 375 mph... My few days left here are zooming by. This time next month, I will be on Australian soil. I am desperately craving quiet peaceful solitude. But I think that even if I was alone on an empty beach right now, my thoughts wouldn't sit still because there is still so much to do. I am trying to enjoy the remaining time as much as I possibly can, but I am constantly being haunted by my own thoughts and fears. 

I talked to my mentor Virginia on Sunday. It was a much needed conversation. She shed some light on the reasonings behind some of what has been happening to me the last couple months. I told her how much I have been struggling with my own mind, my utter ugliness that I so desperately wish was not there, but it is and how I love God more than life itself, but yet I still think the thoughts I think and act the way I act...  As always, she made me feel better. Reminded me how much God loves me, and how 3 years ago we talked about this day and now it is here.

Then last night I was reading some blips from Abba's Child by Brennan Manning and this one paragraph really stuck out at me..... "When we accept the truth of what we really are and surrender it to Jesus Christ, we are enveloped in peace, whether or not we feel ourselves to be at peace. By that I mean the peace that passes understanding is not a subjective sensation of peace; if we are in Christ, we are in peace even when we feel no peace."

I absolutely love that. I am IN peace. I am enveloped in peace. I am immersed in peace. Peace is surrounding me like a cloud and follows me wherever I go. But for some reason I allow confusion to poke its head through, look around and then make itself comfortable. I allow the confusion, anxiety and fear to take precedent. When will I learn? I'm not really sure, but for today I will accept that I still have growing to do. That I am not where I want to be, but I am right where I am supposed to be. I will take a deep breath and thank God for another day and rest in the fact that I am living an abundantly extraordinary life and that I am loved far beyond my imagination and that peace is right here even though I cant see it or feel it, that I am in it as I sit here and write this solely because Christ lives and dwells in me. What an amazing thing. Thank God that I don't have to feel something for it to be true. 

And I know that the silence my mind is longing for will come. It will soon come on a stretch of sand in Sydney Australia while I am breathing air I never imagined I would actually breathe.

My future commute part 2

Just pulling up to work...

My future commute to work

Good-bye 405 and mean honking drivers.... Hello Manly Ferry!

OMG!!!

Look who is singing at next years Hillsong conference July 7-10 ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!

Coincidence??? I think not.

Wake me up.

I cant describe the way I feel except un-everything. I am unexcited, undetermined, unenenergized and unmotivated. I am so tired all the time. All I want to do it sleep. I am turning 30 in 4 days, moving to australia in 42, starting a new job in 56 and running a half-marathon in 76. There is so much to be done. Training physically, preparing emotionally, and most importantly praying intently on all that is happening. I know this and yet I cannot find the energy to bring myself to my knees to seek Jesus, to ask for guidance and peace and all that is needed during this enormous change. I only have 42 days left before I have to say goodbye to the life I have known for 17 years. It is as though sleeping has become my therapy, my way to cope with the reality of what is happening. But I do not want to sleep through this. It is too good.

Romans 13:11

The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed.

Tonight, this is my prayer: Lord, please wake me up from my slumber and help me prepare for all You have placed before me. You have never given me more than I can handle. Help me to be spiritually alive and walk through this with your grace upon me. I love you.

More than stairs

I just got back from climbing the excruciatingly painful stairs. I seriously dont know why I torture myself. This was the climb from beginning to end:

Bottom of stairs looking all the way up thinking "Who put these here and why?!?!"

Start climbing

3 stairs up and dying with what seemed to be about 1,000 more to go 

1st stack done, stop for breath

More climbing.

Half way: First thought - "That's good enough, I think I'll go back now"

Half way: Second thought - "You will not give up now, no you won't!"

More stairs with people climbing back down: "Ahhhh! Inspiration! If they can do it, so can I!!"

Almost there!!

WOOHOOO!!! I made it! Victory!

Back down I go

Yes, there is a point to all of this. As I was climbing, I was thinking how very similar my walk with Christ is. It is a climb with so very many stops in the middle to rest, to gain strength and to reconnect with Him. So much of the time I want to quit and give up. It's too hard! But there are people who have gone before me that inspire me to keep going, to not give up and to strive for the goal. And though it is painful at times, and is strenuous and tiring, I keep going because He gives me strength. And once I reach the top and start my descent downward, I hope that I may become that pillar of inspiration to those that are on their way up after me. 

At any rate, I am gross and sweaty now and need a shower. Just in case you were wondering.