Silence Needed

I have been going nonstop at a rate of about 375 mph... My few days left here are zooming by. This time next month, I will be on Australian soil. I am desperately craving quiet peaceful solitude. But I think that even if I was alone on an empty beach right now, my thoughts wouldn't sit still because there is still so much to do. I am trying to enjoy the remaining time as much as I possibly can, but I am constantly being haunted by my own thoughts and fears. 

I talked to my mentor Virginia on Sunday. It was a much needed conversation. She shed some light on the reasonings behind some of what has been happening to me the last couple months. I told her how much I have been struggling with my own mind, my utter ugliness that I so desperately wish was not there, but it is and how I love God more than life itself, but yet I still think the thoughts I think and act the way I act...  As always, she made me feel better. Reminded me how much God loves me, and how 3 years ago we talked about this day and now it is here.

Then last night I was reading some blips from Abba's Child by Brennan Manning and this one paragraph really stuck out at me..... "When we accept the truth of what we really are and surrender it to Jesus Christ, we are enveloped in peace, whether or not we feel ourselves to be at peace. By that I mean the peace that passes understanding is not a subjective sensation of peace; if we are in Christ, we are in peace even when we feel no peace."

I absolutely love that. I am IN peace. I am enveloped in peace. I am immersed in peace. Peace is surrounding me like a cloud and follows me wherever I go. But for some reason I allow confusion to poke its head through, look around and then make itself comfortable. I allow the confusion, anxiety and fear to take precedent. When will I learn? I'm not really sure, but for today I will accept that I still have growing to do. That I am not where I want to be, but I am right where I am supposed to be. I will take a deep breath and thank God for another day and rest in the fact that I am living an abundantly extraordinary life and that I am loved far beyond my imagination and that peace is right here even though I cant see it or feel it, that I am in it as I sit here and write this solely because Christ lives and dwells in me. What an amazing thing. Thank God that I don't have to feel something for it to be true. 

And I know that the silence my mind is longing for will come. It will soon come on a stretch of sand in Sydney Australia while I am breathing air I never imagined I would actually breathe.