I have to tell you that I have been extremely uncomfortable since I have been here. Emotionally and spiritually, I am so far out of my comfort zone. I haven't "felt" God in months and I am sad to say that I have based my whole relationship with Him on a feeling. Not feeling Him has not been easy for me. I am in constant wonder of where He is, what He is up to and I am in desperate need of rescue from my selfish self. I have been wanting and actually acting upon my desire to rebel against all of the goodness that I know because my heart is twisted and confused because I don't feel God, and because I don't understand His plan.
Yet within this confusion and misunderstanding, I am constantly in awe of the ground I stand on. Wherever I go, there is always this sense of wonder within me that I am in a place that I have no business being in. It's a very confusing time for me right now. I am so in love with a God that I have no understanding of, that I know loves me beyond what my mind can conceive and far beyond what I deserve...
And now, I believe I am being faced and challenged with a choice: instead of basing my faith on what I feel, I must now learn to base it on what I know... And what I know is that He is good, He is faithful, He loves me, He will rescue me, His plan is better than mine, He will not let me stumble or fall, and that even in my misunderstanding, His love will carry me...
Truth does not hold its weight in a feeling. Truth is solidified in our hearts, beyond where our feelings can go.
This is what I know.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
What is normal anyways?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I thought that would make me feel better, but it really didn't. I really really wish I had something positive and uplifting to say, but truly my heart is in a wretched place. I am in a full blown wrestling match with God. I have been gone almost 2 months and strangely it feels as though I have lived here my whole life. I don't have even one drop of desire to go back. I know that sounds awful because the people I love are there, but because I so deeply believe that God brought me here for a reason I have no desire or intention of leaving until that happens. But not knowing what the reason is is driving me crazy. And I am finding it most hard to be still and when I am still I dont seem to understand a thing or sadly even care.
A lot of things are happening, and I feel like I am coming face to face with the darkest parts of who I am. The parts of me that are ugly and difficult, mean, impatient, and so very very very selfish. I have a lump in my throat just thinking about it. These are the things that are inside of me that have been there my entire life, and come up in every relationship I have ever had and I don't really want to look at them. I don't want to acknowledge their presence because it will absolutely cause pain, but I am afraid that if I don't the pain will be even greater.
Normalcy is a foreign word to me.
Anyways, I really want to write more because I know so many of you are curious as to how I am doing and what I am up to. I love Sydney and I booked a flight to travel to New Zealand in March. Regina is coming to visit me at Christmas and I haven't decided what we are doing yet, but it will definitely include some much needed R&R for her and lots of fun for the both of us. But aside from that, I am on a spiritual journey, a great adventure that will have its ups and downs, its mountaintops and its valleys. And I believe God's plan is bigger than the one I could have planned for myself, but I don't understand any of it right now and that is hard for me to say because my pride wants to tell you that spiritually I have it all figured out, but I don't. I am more confused than ever, and it is a dark place inside my head right now.
There are a couple scriptures that I have been saying in my head the last couple days. Though I can't "feel" God, I know these words to be truth and within them lie a power to conquer anything:
Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God
Psalm 118:24 This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.
Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
p.s. what is normal anyways? and why do we measure ourselves by whether or not we meet its criteria? i mean, do you know anyone normal??? it's a dumb word and i am going to stop using it. okay, saying that actually kinda made me feel better.
I thought that would make me feel better, but it really didn't. I really really wish I had something positive and uplifting to say, but truly my heart is in a wretched place. I am in a full blown wrestling match with God. I have been gone almost 2 months and strangely it feels as though I have lived here my whole life. I don't have even one drop of desire to go back. I know that sounds awful because the people I love are there, but because I so deeply believe that God brought me here for a reason I have no desire or intention of leaving until that happens. But not knowing what the reason is is driving me crazy. And I am finding it most hard to be still and when I am still I dont seem to understand a thing or sadly even care.
A lot of things are happening, and I feel like I am coming face to face with the darkest parts of who I am. The parts of me that are ugly and difficult, mean, impatient, and so very very very selfish. I have a lump in my throat just thinking about it. These are the things that are inside of me that have been there my entire life, and come up in every relationship I have ever had and I don't really want to look at them. I don't want to acknowledge their presence because it will absolutely cause pain, but I am afraid that if I don't the pain will be even greater.
Normalcy is a foreign word to me.
Anyways, I really want to write more because I know so many of you are curious as to how I am doing and what I am up to. I love Sydney and I booked a flight to travel to New Zealand in March. Regina is coming to visit me at Christmas and I haven't decided what we are doing yet, but it will definitely include some much needed R&R for her and lots of fun for the both of us. But aside from that, I am on a spiritual journey, a great adventure that will have its ups and downs, its mountaintops and its valleys. And I believe God's plan is bigger than the one I could have planned for myself, but I don't understand any of it right now and that is hard for me to say because my pride wants to tell you that spiritually I have it all figured out, but I don't. I am more confused than ever, and it is a dark place inside my head right now.
There are a couple scriptures that I have been saying in my head the last couple days. Though I can't "feel" God, I know these words to be truth and within them lie a power to conquer anything:
Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God
Psalm 118:24 This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.
Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
p.s. what is normal anyways? and why do we measure ourselves by whether or not we meet its criteria? i mean, do you know anyone normal??? it's a dumb word and i am going to stop using it. okay, saying that actually kinda made me feel better.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Double-life
For months now, I have battled over whether or not to make this blog public, i.e. putting a link to it on my profiles, etc... I have battled because I bare all of who I am on this page and mostly because I talk so openly about my relationship with God. There is this part of me that doesn't want to offend anyone by saying something that non-believers (if they even read this) wouldn't necessarily understand, then they think I am weird and worse, are turned off to God. Then there is this part of me that thinks "this is who I really am". All of the thoughts, all of the words, they are mine and if people think I am weird then who cares. When I was in California, I truly felt like I was living a double life. There was my outer/work life, then my inner/Christian life. I really struggled letting the inner life out in front of the people I worked with. Everyone knows I am a Christian, but few of them knew that every breath I take and every thought I have revolves around Him. It is tiring and agonizing because I don't feel freedom and people don't get to see who I really am.
I started reading The Sacred Romance for about the fifth time yesterday. I couldn't ever get into it, but it was different this time. I wanted to share just a bit from the first chapter that really spoke to me:
"On the outside, there is the external story of our lives. This is the life everyone sees, our life of work, play and church, of family and friends, paying bills and growing older. Our external story is where we carve out the identity most others know. It is the place where we have learned to label each other in a way that implies we have reached our final destination. Bob is an accountant, Mary works for the government, Ted is an attorney... Here, busyness substitutes for meaning, efficiency substitutes for creativity and functional relationships substitute for love. In the outer life, we live from ought., rather than from desire...
The inner life, the story of our heart, is the life of the deep places within us, our passions and dreams, our fears and our deepest wounds. It is the unseen life, the mystery within. It cannot be managed like a corporation. The heart does not respond to principles and programs; it seeks not efficiency, but passion. Art, poetry, beauty, mystery, ecstasy: These are what rouse the heart. Indeed, they are the language that must be spoken if one wishes to communicate with the heart. It is why Jesus so often taught and related to people by telling stories and asking questions. His desire was not just to engage their intellects, but to capture their hearts"
I really loved this because I know that I have really lived my "Christian" life so bare and out in the open for those that are Christians, but for those that are not, I feel like there is this huge part of me that they are missing. And as I was sitting with my thoughts last week, I heard this really deep voice that said "Just let people see who you are" and there it was... My inner life coming face to face with the outer giving it permission to be who it really is.
I want people to know who I really am (mistakes and all), and feeling like I had to hide the very words that make me who I am was just not working for me anymore. So this blog is no longer hiding.
I started reading The Sacred Romance for about the fifth time yesterday. I couldn't ever get into it, but it was different this time. I wanted to share just a bit from the first chapter that really spoke to me:
"On the outside, there is the external story of our lives. This is the life everyone sees, our life of work, play and church, of family and friends, paying bills and growing older. Our external story is where we carve out the identity most others know. It is the place where we have learned to label each other in a way that implies we have reached our final destination. Bob is an accountant, Mary works for the government, Ted is an attorney... Here, busyness substitutes for meaning, efficiency substitutes for creativity and functional relationships substitute for love. In the outer life, we live from ought., rather than from desire...
The inner life, the story of our heart, is the life of the deep places within us, our passions and dreams, our fears and our deepest wounds. It is the unseen life, the mystery within. It cannot be managed like a corporation. The heart does not respond to principles and programs; it seeks not efficiency, but passion. Art, poetry, beauty, mystery, ecstasy: These are what rouse the heart. Indeed, they are the language that must be spoken if one wishes to communicate with the heart. It is why Jesus so often taught and related to people by telling stories and asking questions. His desire was not just to engage their intellects, but to capture their hearts"
I really loved this because I know that I have really lived my "Christian" life so bare and out in the open for those that are Christians, but for those that are not, I feel like there is this huge part of me that they are missing. And as I was sitting with my thoughts last week, I heard this really deep voice that said "Just let people see who you are" and there it was... My inner life coming face to face with the outer giving it permission to be who it really is.
I want people to know who I really am (mistakes and all), and feeling like I had to hide the very words that make me who I am was just not working for me anymore. So this blog is no longer hiding.
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