AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I thought that would make me feel better, but it really didn't. I really really wish I had something positive and uplifting to say, but truly my heart is in a wretched place. I am in a full blown wrestling match with God. I have been gone almost 2 months and strangely it feels as though I have lived here my whole life. I don't have even one drop of desire to go back. I know that sounds awful because the people I love are there, but because I so deeply believe that God brought me here for a reason I have no desire or intention of leaving until that happens. But not knowing what the reason is is driving me crazy. And I am finding it most hard to be still and when I am still I dont seem to understand a thing or sadly even care.
A lot of things are happening, and I feel like I am coming face to face with the darkest parts of who I am. The parts of me that are ugly and difficult, mean, impatient, and so very very very selfish. I have a lump in my throat just thinking about it. These are the things that are inside of me that have been there my entire life, and come up in every relationship I have ever had and I don't really want to look at them. I don't want to acknowledge their presence because it will absolutely cause pain, but I am afraid that if I don't the pain will be even greater.
Normalcy is a foreign word to me.
Anyways, I really want to write more because I know so many of you are curious as to how I am doing and what I am up to. I love Sydney and I booked a flight to travel to New Zealand in March. Regina is coming to visit me at Christmas and I haven't decided what we are doing yet, but it will definitely include some much needed R&R for her and lots of fun for the both of us. But aside from that, I am on a spiritual journey, a great adventure that will have its ups and downs, its mountaintops and its valleys. And I believe God's plan is bigger than the one I could have planned for myself, but I don't understand any of it right now and that is hard for me to say because my pride wants to tell you that spiritually I have it all figured out, but I don't. I am more confused than ever, and it is a dark place inside my head right now.
There are a couple scriptures that I have been saying in my head the last couple days. Though I can't "feel" God, I know these words to be truth and within them lie a power to conquer anything:
Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God
Psalm 118:24 This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.
Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
p.s. what is normal anyways? and why do we measure ourselves by whether or not we meet its criteria? i mean, do you know anyone normal??? it's a dumb word and i am going to stop using it. okay, saying that actually kinda made me feel better.
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Sictionary results for: normal
–adjective
1. conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.
2. serving to establish a standard.
How boring does that sound???
*I meant DICTIONARY results...
Lori, I love you.... I didn't even know you still did this blog... I only look at your 'into a foreign land one' but I am so glad I accidentally came to this one.
I love you. I will keep saying it, because really there is nothing else, every truth is held in love or else it is useless. God loves you. I love you. So many people love you.
So in that truth I will say this: we are not normal. We are aliens, we don't fit. People don't get us. And really, you know this, we have been asking for an extraordinary life... what separates us from being normal is the extra... without it we are ordinary, and that is the one thing we have tried to run from. He has granted us the desires of our hearts. The desires weren't normal... the results are extraordinary (or at least some days it seems like it!!)
Love, love, love. I can't wait to give you a HUGE hug as I run off the airplane. I love airport hugs!! And when I get there.. don't say anything about my eyebrows or hairy legs... that is part of my ab normalcy!! ;-)
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