Where I am supposed to be

Today I feel:

Sad

Lonely

Depressed

Frustrated

Confused

Lost

Curious

Anxious

but also...

Hopeful

No one said this would be easy. I followed God here. I left everything and followed  Him here without knowing what was in store for me. I imagined that once I got here, all of the distance that I felt with God before I left would leave and I would suddenly be back in that place with Him... you know, that place where He is all that matters and where nothing makes sense but it doesn't matter because you know He is with you and that He loves you and nothing can stop your love for Him. I imagined once I stepped foot into the church, I would have the sense that I am home, where I belong... But this is not how I feel. I have been wandering around the city alone for 8 days now. I am insanely lonely. Everyone at the church is really nice on the outside, but I am struggling with having faith in its authenticity, especially after the latest scandal that surrounds the worship team. 

But I remain hopeful. It is very early still, I just got here and these things take time. God brought me here to teach me something, probably several things and I need to be patient. But I find patience hard to attain when I have no idea what I am being patient for. I was reminded today about Abram, who left his home and his family for the unknown simply because God told him to. (Genesis 12:1) I have faith because others have gone before me, and because God is good always and even in the midst of my doubt and confusion, He is here.

This is my dream. I am at the beginning of an amazing adventure. In a place that may be scary and unfamiliar, yet luckily for me, it is also incredibly beautiful. So though I may feel all of these mixed emotions, I know I am right where I am supposed to be. 

Love

I am starting to wonder if God didn't bring me here to make me fall in love with Him all over again...

Pilgrimage

I turned on the tv yesterday and the first words I heard were:

"This isn't a holiday, it's a pilgrimage"

Those words so accurately describe what I am doing in Australia. This is not a holiday, it is a pilgrimage... to learn more and grow deeper in Christ. I have no idea what is in store for me over the next couple years, and at this very moment I wish I did. I do not like the uncertainty of everything right now. But it is what it is and this is all part of the growing experience. I cannot grow without change and change doesnt happen without pain. This morning was the first morning in months that I woke up with God's name on my lips. I have felt so very disconnected from Him in all the busyness of everything. But I know He has me. I know He will pull me through this and is right by my side in the midst of the loneliness. He has promised to never let me go and I am holding fast to that promise.

I am beginning to relate to one of my all time favorite movie charaters, Dorothy. We are very similar you know. A tornado came in, ripped me up out of the life I was living in and has dropped me in the land of Oz. I feel like I am at the very beginning of the yellow brick road where she discovers all the munchkins that live there. They are all the same, and she sticks out like a sore thumb. The difference between her and I is that I am not ready to click my heels home. Instead, I am ready to walk along the path to find my place, to accomplish all that God has for me here. Now if only I can get Him to send me 3 cute boys to help guide my way. Preferably not wearing costumes..... :)

Neglected

I feel like I am neglecting this blog a bit so I thought I would post a quickie.

I am still trying to gain perspective of my feelings right now. They are in a million places. Overwhelmed with newness is the only way I can describe it. 

I had dinner with a girl that works at Macquarie and goes to Hillsong tonight. We briefly chatted about how I got over here, and without going into any detail I described God's goodness and blessing in my life. I am still waiting for the moment that I break down when the reality of what He has done hits me. 

I am going to Hillsong tomorrow night in the city, and Sunday morning in the Northern Beach extension. Please pray that God will speak loud and clear to me. I need to hear Him so desperately.

Why?

For over two years I have been asking God "why" this, and "why" that. Why does this hurt so bad? Why do I have to go through the fire to be refined? Why wont you bless me? When will this be over? Why WHY WHY!!! Today, as I sit here with approximately 7 days left in the states I look back ashamed of my unbelief, at my discontent, at my selfish spoiled rottenness. Who do I think I am? I mean, I do not deserve even one ounce of what God is giving me, and I still find time to complain. I am truly wretched at times. The last few weeks have been strange. I have been tempted with worldly pleasures and I have been consumed by busyness which has left me little time for God. I force myself to read my bible and my daily devotions, though the words go in one ear and out the other. I sing and worship to God every day but I am unaffected. I do it because I cant not do it. It is all I have come to know and I cant imagine my life without these things, but when they have no affect on me it scares me. I dont want His words to not have an impact. I understand though that I am going through the biggest change of my entire life and that things are going to be a bit screwy. Saying that I am dealing with a high amount of stress is an understatement.  Along with everything that needs to be done, and trust me there is a lot, the spiritual warfare is intense. And it is different than it has ever been. I dont trust myself right now and my "feelings" are that I dont trust God either. It is a scary place to be. I feel like I am drifting alone at sea, and I am living 100% in faith that God is carrying me through this because there are times when I wonder if I am just plain crazy. 

But "Why" has been an never-ending question because of all that has happened the last 3 years. Today I talked to my boss in Sydney for the first time about what I was going to be doing when I get there. He told me that the boss of my company that I work at now asked him "Why" is he transferring me. To many of you that may not mean anything, but to me it means a great deal. He asked why because they dont transfer people like me. I am a nothing, nobody bottom of the pool worker. I felt in an awkward position because I dont know why they are transferring me either. I mean, I dont have any special skills, or great vast knowledge about negotiating contracts so I couldn't justify the question by saying "I'm amazing!! That's why". My boss in Sydney is a really nice guy and I am really excited about working with him, but I could hear the quiver in his voice that he didn't know how to answer the question either... 

And as I was driving home, I asked "Why, God? Why is this all happening to me??" And just as I was driving I looked and saw a monstrously huge tree that looked just like the one in Africa, and I felt Him say "that's why!" And then as I was driving, I drove past a row of trees that all looked like that, one after the other after the other after the other. And I know in a place so deep in my heart that there are so many more days like the one in Zim coming,  and I have absolutely no idea what my job has to do with any of this except that it is a means to get me where God wants me. And I so desperately want to figure everything out, I want to understand my job, and I want to be good at it, but I am afraid that I will get sucked into it and all the glamour of it and I dont know how to be good at it unless I give it everything I have and I dont know how to give it everything without getting sucked in. It's so confusing and overwhelming. 

But the bottom line is that I am going to Australia next week. Without an answer to that question. I mean, I am sure there are several hundred reasons why, but I have yet to learn what they are. And as the next few weeks approach, I will pray intently about what God is going to do, how He is going to use me, and mostly that I will quit asking "why", and just trust in His plan.

New Hillsong Album

I finally got my hands on the new Hillsong album courtesy of my wonderful friend Josiah. I have had one of the songs stuck in my head since the first time I heard it over a month ago and tonight these words ring truer for me than they ever have. 

"This is my prayer in the desert, when all that's within me feels dry

This is my prayer in my hunger and need, my God is the God who provides

I will bring praise, I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice I will declare

God is my victory and He is here"

My praise has been dry, my hunger has been dry, but I know without a doubt that His breath is upon me and His face is shining upon me as I prepare to embrace this exciting new adventure. 

"This is my prayer in the harvest, when favor and providence flow

I know I'm filled to be emptied again, the seed I've received I will sow"

Hard Shell

I don't really know what I want to say, but I know that I need to write. Every night I sit down at my computer and stare at this screen knowing that my heart has something to say, but my mind can't form any of it into sentences because none of it makes sense right now.  

Ok, that's all I can get out. I have been sitting here for 30 minutes and still nothing will form. I am a hardshell and my emotions are trying to break free, but my mind wont let them...

His love

I spent hours today sitting on the beach with a friend playing in the sand and talking for hours about God, His word and how there is so much of Him that we do not understand. He baffles and amazes me all in one. We talked about all the evil in the world and the inhumanities and injustice and I talked about my overwhelming curiosity about the jews, and how they are His chosen people and still pray to Him, but failed to ever acknowledge His son. We sat there and wondered aloud about all of our confusion. The why's, the what if's, the disagreements in the church. I want to know the answers. I dont like being confused. But with all of the questions that swirl in my mind on a daily basis, one thing was clear: His love for us is far unlike anything else in this world and no matter how many questions we ask, His love will always remain.