Where I am supposed to be

Today I feel:

Sad

Lonely

Depressed

Frustrated

Confused

Lost

Curious

Anxious

but also...

Hopeful

No one said this would be easy. I followed God here. I left everything and followed  Him here without knowing what was in store for me. I imagined that once I got here, all of the distance that I felt with God before I left would leave and I would suddenly be back in that place with Him... you know, that place where He is all that matters and where nothing makes sense but it doesn't matter because you know He is with you and that He loves you and nothing can stop your love for Him. I imagined once I stepped foot into the church, I would have the sense that I am home, where I belong... But this is not how I feel. I have been wandering around the city alone for 8 days now. I am insanely lonely. Everyone at the church is really nice on the outside, but I am struggling with having faith in its authenticity, especially after the latest scandal that surrounds the worship team. 

But I remain hopeful. It is very early still, I just got here and these things take time. God brought me here to teach me something, probably several things and I need to be patient. But I find patience hard to attain when I have no idea what I am being patient for. I was reminded today about Abram, who left his home and his family for the unknown simply because God told him to. (Genesis 12:1) I have faith because others have gone before me, and because God is good always and even in the midst of my doubt and confusion, He is here.

This is my dream. I am at the beginning of an amazing adventure. In a place that may be scary and unfamiliar, yet luckily for me, it is also incredibly beautiful. So though I may feel all of these mixed emotions, I know I am right where I am supposed to be.