Why?

For over two years I have been asking God "why" this, and "why" that. Why does this hurt so bad? Why do I have to go through the fire to be refined? Why wont you bless me? When will this be over? Why WHY WHY!!! Today, as I sit here with approximately 7 days left in the states I look back ashamed of my unbelief, at my discontent, at my selfish spoiled rottenness. Who do I think I am? I mean, I do not deserve even one ounce of what God is giving me, and I still find time to complain. I am truly wretched at times. The last few weeks have been strange. I have been tempted with worldly pleasures and I have been consumed by busyness which has left me little time for God. I force myself to read my bible and my daily devotions, though the words go in one ear and out the other. I sing and worship to God every day but I am unaffected. I do it because I cant not do it. It is all I have come to know and I cant imagine my life without these things, but when they have no affect on me it scares me. I dont want His words to not have an impact. I understand though that I am going through the biggest change of my entire life and that things are going to be a bit screwy. Saying that I am dealing with a high amount of stress is an understatement.  Along with everything that needs to be done, and trust me there is a lot, the spiritual warfare is intense. And it is different than it has ever been. I dont trust myself right now and my "feelings" are that I dont trust God either. It is a scary place to be. I feel like I am drifting alone at sea, and I am living 100% in faith that God is carrying me through this because there are times when I wonder if I am just plain crazy. 

But "Why" has been an never-ending question because of all that has happened the last 3 years. Today I talked to my boss in Sydney for the first time about what I was going to be doing when I get there. He told me that the boss of my company that I work at now asked him "Why" is he transferring me. To many of you that may not mean anything, but to me it means a great deal. He asked why because they dont transfer people like me. I am a nothing, nobody bottom of the pool worker. I felt in an awkward position because I dont know why they are transferring me either. I mean, I dont have any special skills, or great vast knowledge about negotiating contracts so I couldn't justify the question by saying "I'm amazing!! That's why". My boss in Sydney is a really nice guy and I am really excited about working with him, but I could hear the quiver in his voice that he didn't know how to answer the question either... 

And as I was driving home, I asked "Why, God? Why is this all happening to me??" And just as I was driving I looked and saw a monstrously huge tree that looked just like the one in Africa, and I felt Him say "that's why!" And then as I was driving, I drove past a row of trees that all looked like that, one after the other after the other after the other. And I know in a place so deep in my heart that there are so many more days like the one in Zim coming,  and I have absolutely no idea what my job has to do with any of this except that it is a means to get me where God wants me. And I so desperately want to figure everything out, I want to understand my job, and I want to be good at it, but I am afraid that I will get sucked into it and all the glamour of it and I dont know how to be good at it unless I give it everything I have and I dont know how to give it everything without getting sucked in. It's so confusing and overwhelming. 

But the bottom line is that I am going to Australia next week. Without an answer to that question. I mean, I am sure there are several hundred reasons why, but I have yet to learn what they are. And as the next few weeks approach, I will pray intently about what God is going to do, how He is going to use me, and mostly that I will quit asking "why", and just trust in His plan.