Since I have been in Australia, I have had this weird sense of unfamiliarity, mentally and spiritually. Whenever I face a situation where I realize that there is life beyond my little bubble, especially one where things are so different from my own, I am filled with this paralytic confusion. When I went to Africa, my relationship with God changed. I felt so close to Him before I went, and after experiencing things that were so unfamiliar to me, and seeing things far more different than I had ever seen before, I was confused because I no longer understood God. He got bigger and I couldn't comprehend Him and it took me months to breathe it all in and get back to a place where I felt close to Him again... Anyways, I am back in that place. Everywhere I go I find myself experiencing and seeing things I had never seen before, nor knew existed and God has become so much bigger. You see, I know that God is bigger than I will ever understand, but I think that is a truth that I don't fully allow to sink in to my heart. I think I create Him in my heart and mind to be what I understand Him to be, and when He becomes more than that, my understanding of who I am to Him becomes diminished. I suddenly can't fathom why He would want to be part of my life, especially when I am sucking entirely as a human. And yet I look around and cant help but see how much He is blessing me.
Anyways, my head is in all sorts of places right now. I am the full array of emotions. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and in a constant state of confusion at the same time. But I have no doubt that He is teaching me something in this. About who I am in Him, about who I am to Him and how His love knows no bounds and is above all of my questions.
I continue to trust even in my doubt and I continue to seek even in my lack of desire.
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