Awaken

WIth everything I have seen, learned, been taught, read or experienced in the last month, I am surprised my head hasn't fallen off. I have been absorbing massive amounts of information about corporate world, while at the same time learning to live in and adjust to a a foreign county. And because it is all so complex, confusing, and overwhelming, the only place I know to look is up. My understanding of what is happening, I believe, is very small. My heart sees a picture that is much bigger than my brain can contain. which I think it explains my lack of communication. I don't know how to describe what is happening in my life right now except that it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make sense that I am where I am at this very moment in time. I was thinking today about how perfect God's timing is. He is so good and so perfect and my life will forever be a testimony to His amazing grace. Even if this is as far as I will ever go, it is farther than I ever could have dreamed and it speaks loudly to who He is. But I don't think this is the end, I think it is just the beginning and I am not sure how to approach it boldfully. I have been praying for my spiritual eyes to be reawakened. Actually, there are a couple people specifically that have been praying for me because I haven't been capable of an honest prayer in months. God is hearing their prayers and for that I am grateful. I am grateful that there is once again a thirst and a hunger that has been missing for awhile. I am grateful that I am beginning to get a small glimpse of what I am doing here, that He is putting amazing people in my life that seem to know me already. I have been having a lot of conversations about choosing between light and darkness. I have had my eyes closed for what seems like forever and the tighter they shut the harder it was becoming to see the light. But I am slowly remembering that the only thing that matters is that Jesus loves me more than life itself, and that the only thing that truly matters to me is to live my life in such a way that other people may come to the same understanding.

Looking in the wrong direction

I am sitting on a bench looking out into the waters He has created and I am filled with a sadness I haven't felt in a very long time. Sadness that I have selfishly created in order to avoid responsibility, accountability and truth. Over the last few months, I have turned my attention from the One that has given me a life beyond my imagination and it has turned to the world that in my faithless eyes, looks so much bigger and smarter than me. I have allowed myself to become overwhelmed by the giant that is in front of me. Faith and trust are the answer but I seem to have misplaced them. My faith has been looking in the wrong direction and trust has drifted at sea. I can't put words to what is happening and I can't explain what God is doing, all I know is that I am about to face a giant bigger than any I have faced before. There is a calm in the air but it's coming and life is doing it's very best to pull me in the direction where I forget who I really am so that I stumble and fall when it comes my way. The life that I used to know is gone and I find myself desperately fighting to get back to that place where my faith actually moved mountains. The more I try, the further away I get. But there is a deep sense that God is teaching me a new way to trust, where reliance comes not in a feeling, but in truth alone. And trusting in truth alone is so very hard when the life around me is screaming.

So much bigger - Immersed Version

Since I have been in Australia, I have had this weird sense of unfamiliarity, mentally and spiritually. Whenever I face a situation where I realize that there is life beyond my little bubble, especially one where things are so different from my own, I am filled with this paralytic confusion. When I went to Africa, my relationship with God changed. I felt so close to Him before I went, and after experiencing things that were so unfamiliar to me, and seeing things far more different than I had ever seen before, I was confused because I no longer understood God. He got bigger and I couldn't comprehend Him and it took me months to breathe it all in and get back to a place where I felt close to Him again... Anyways, I am back in that place. Everywhere I go I find myself experiencing and seeing things I had never seen before, nor knew existed and God has become so much bigger. You see, I know that God is bigger than I will ever understand, but I think that is a truth that I don't fully allow to sink in to my heart. I think I create Him in my heart and mind to be what I understand Him to be, and when He becomes more than that, my understanding of who I am to Him becomes diminished. I suddenly can't fathom why He would want to be part of my life, especially when I am sucking entirely as a human. And yet I look around and cant help but see how much He is blessing me. 

Anyways, my head is in all sorts of places right now. I am the full array of emotions. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and in a constant state of confusion at the same time. But I have no doubt that He is teaching me something in this. About who I am in Him, about who I am to Him and how His love knows no bounds and is above all of my questions. 

I continue to trust even in my doubt and I continue to seek even in my lack of desire.