Ticket-free day

So I didn't get pulled over today nor did I open my mailbox to find a picture of myself breaking the law and getting find $400, so today I claim victory!! I have gotten 3 tickets in the last 2 months and I am now a scared chicken in my car these days!! I was ticket free for the last 10 years.  I am blaming in on living in L.A. Either someone is honking at me, cutting me off, giving me dirty looks or tailgating me. No wonder I am terrified to leave my house.

I guess it's a good time to leave the country. :)

Panic and Peace

Today was day two of a near panic attack. When I say panic attack, I actually mean panic attack. Uncontrollable crying, shortness of breath. My friend Sue suggests I start carrying around a brown paper bag wherever I go because I'm pretty sure this is only just beginning. I am starting to get scared. I haven't ever sat down like a full grown adult and asked myself if I am making the right decision. Is moving to Australia wise? Is it the right thing to do? The right time? What if I hate it? I haven't asked myself any of these questions because I never thought to. In my mind, this has been all along God ordained and in His plan for me from the very start and so I never really asked myself if I should or shouldn't go. So finally, 7 weeks before I am set to leave, the reality of what is about to happen is starting to sink in and I am getting scared. I hate change and this is the biggest change of my life. Everything will change, including me. I am about to leave everything that has ever been comfortable. My friends, my family, my bed, my car, my safety net of hermitness, ranch dressing and peanut butter! This will all be replaced by a new job, in a new country, new friends, new enemies I am sure, new streets, new food (vegemite, yuck!), new everything, nothing familiar and that scares the living hell out of me. 

However.....

There is a peace. And it lies deeper than any panic. It sits in my heart far beyond the fear and doubt and it is constantly saying to me "this is where you are supposed to go". This isn't about a choice, it's about following God and He is leading me on the wildest ride of my life. Why wouldn't I follow Him? Panic or not, I am going. I said I would go to the ends of the earth, and I meant it. I never imagined He would take me up on it.

Psalm 16:8 I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

3am...

It's 3am. (almost). I went out tonight for the first time on a Friday night in a REALLY long time. I ventured way out of my comfort zone and hung with virtual strangers and in turn made some really great friends (Josiah, you're awesome!!).... Two of whom have lived in Sydney.... Coincidence? No such thing in God's House.! I am so glad I listened to the still small voice that said "Go, and be with people..... It's time" 

I dont have much more to say beyond that because I am tired, and mostly I felt the need to tell someone that I was up until 3am.... But my heart is so happy tonight. God is so good and I am so incredibly overjoyed. He gives me a reason to sing and a reason to share love with others. I love Him with all of my heart. 

Anti-social and missing my family

I have been very anti-social since I got home from Ohio. It isn't in my nature to be anti-social because I am such an extrovert. I need people to bounce energy off of and blogging and myspaceing has partially contributed to me being a hermit because it allows me to be social and communicate my point across without any interaction. Even worse, when I get in my "introvert mood" as I have been the last couple days, I don't even want to get online and that poses a problem because I inevitably end up sitting in my head and throwing myself one big giant pity party.......

At any rate, here I am. I have been super busy at work and haven't had time to upload pics from my trip yet, but I thought I would share a few of my favs. Going home is always a such a gift. Being able to spend time with Brennan and the kids is so wonderful. I love my family so much it hurts. I cried the whole day I was leaving. I hate leaving them. And this time was no exception knowing I am leaving the country in 2 months. I can't talk about it because I will cry again, but one thing I will say is that my brother is the most amazing father and he is my best friend. My niece and nephew are priceless gifts from God and I am so grateful that they love me as much as they do. 

Off to Ohio

I am showered and clean and ready to sleep for an overnight flight to Detroit. Where is Regina's ghetto fabulous track suit when I need it?? I can't wait to see my family. I can't wait to go shopping and play guitar with my niece. She is teaching me now!! And I absolutely positively cant wait to go see Kung Fu Panda with my nephew. He has been waiting since June 6th just to see it with me!! 

Home.

Today was not a good day. By the end of the day I was so full of anxiety, that I was pretty sure a panic attack was going to set in. I sat at my desk all day in a very dark place in my mind. Can I be honest with you? I have put all of my hopes, all of my worth, everything into moving to Australia. In this weird twisted way, though I know it is an incredible blessing of God, I have also allowed it to become this thing that defines me. Because let me tell you something. I dont have a plan B. I dont have a backup to fall into if this doesnt work out. I am not worth the price of beans when it comes to being a valuable employee. I dont have what everyone else has, the degrees, the expensive education, the smarts. And I sit every day looking at the ones around me that do and lowering my self worth by the minute because of it. And recently when word got out that I am the one moving, I saw the expression on some people's face that said "YOU?!" "Why on earth does she get to go?!" I mean, I havent heard anyone say that, but I see it. I am very aware of the perception. Here is the crazy thing. This is a small minority of people. Most people are genuinely excited for me, but it's this small percentage that have what I don't in the ways of smarts and education so comparisons are always fluttering around me. 

At lunch, I took a walk alone. I prayed, no actually I begged God for a sign. Something to give me peace inside. Immediately I started looking all around at signs, billboards, buses thinking I would acutally get a sign. I got nothing.... Until I got home.

When I got home I put on my ipod and headed for the massive stack of stairs I have recently discovered in my neighborhood and I threw on a podcast that my friend burned for me over the weekend by Tim Keller, a pastor in NYC. He was preaching on the prodigal son in a way I had never heard before, but what stuck out most to me, no actually it knocked me off my feet and smacked me so hard in the face was a part where he quoted Henri Nouwen in a book that he wrote on the same topic:

"Home is the center of my being where I can hear the voice that says "You are my beloved, in whom I'm well pleased" Jesus made it clear that the same voice that He heard in the Jordan River and on Mount Tabor can be heard by me. He makes it clear that there's a home with the Father. But if I decide to keep control, if I go out into the world, I will keep running around asking everything "Do you really love me, do you really love me?" I give all the power to the voices of the world and it's the world that defines me then. The world's love is full of "if's" Yes, I love you IF you're good looking, IF you're intelligent, IF you're well off, IF you're educated, IF you have connections, IF you're productive.... Endless if's. And it is not too hard to know when I have left home spiritually.... Resentment, jealousy, desire for revenge, lust, greed, ambition, rivalry are all obvious signs that I have left home, that I am letting the world define me with it's love full of if's... But when I am home with the Father, when I know I am the beloved, I can confront and console and admonish and encourage without any fear of rejection, or need for affirmation. I can suffer persecution without desire for revenge or receive praise without using it as proof for my goodness."

Can I tell you something else? I have left home spiritually. I felt every single once of these things today and I am letting the world define me. I have no right to say I love Jesus when I hold jealousy and contempt in my heart. But these things come so naturally for me and I dont know how to not feel them. I am so afraid that this one amazing opportunity will fall through the cracks, I will be humiliated and then the world will see that I am a big fat loser who had no business going in the first place so I feel this need to protect it, to throw my arms around it and cling for dear life. 

This is the truth: Home is not in Sydney. It isnt California and it certainly isnt my job. It is a place in my heart where His opinion of me is the only one that matters and that regardless of my situation I am complete, I am forgiven and I am loved.

I want to go home.

unkind

I havent been myself lately. I have had a very short temper and I've been getting angry with people. I havent been kind. I am easily frustrated and impatient with others. I don't know what's going on with me.  It's like a wave of my old self has crashed over me.

I don't like it and hope it goes away soon.

Heavy heart

My heart is heavy tonight. I'm not really sure why, it just hurts. The last couple days of sifting through the box my dad gave me that was filled to the brim with traces of my mother has sparked a chord inside me that I have never heard. It is strange to have grown up without her only to be given a tiny glimpse of who she was 20 years after she died. As I sat with everything from the box scattered in a circle around me last night, I was in tears and looked to God for an answer to the pain that this has caused the course of my life. I know He is in it, I know He held every bitter tear she must have cried, I know he gave her the strength to walk through her battle with her head held high and mostly I know He gave her the courage to write those letters to us before she died. I really miss her. 

Last night's journal entry...

Tonight, my father and I shared tears. We shared belly-aching laughter. We shared hours that are now trapped into a memory timecapsule never to be forgotten. He brought over to my house a box that held decades of memories. One box filled with generations of treasure. Some memories I had forgotten and some I had never known about. A box filled with life's story of my mother. But even better than pictures..... Letters. Her handwriting on paper. Word after word written to tell the story I never knew about. Love letters to my father. Love letters from him to her. "Now that I have you, I don't even know that the sea exists"...... A piece of paper filled with one liner's. Apparently she loved jokes. I never knew that. Happy letters and oh-so-sad ones. My dad and I were sharing a very special moment in time. Combing over the life of my mother. He read to me through his tears a letter she had written right before she had died about her wishes for the funeral. Now we were both in tears, and I was so grateful for this moment. My mother died when she was 39. As I approach 30, the thought of dying only 9 short years from now is terrifying. She had battled cancer since 24. But I know that God was with her. Her bibles, her rosary, all in the box. How I will treasure these priceless gifts that he has given me. There were also letters I had written. Letters to boys and best friends... More laughter, more tears. I didn't look at all of it. I want to savor every moment in there. More than anything, tonight made me miss her desperately. It will be 20 years in October. 20 years I have been without her. How did I ever survive? There is so much of my childhood that I can't remember. Most of it actually and I cry when i look at the memories and they dont bring anything back. I have blocked most of it out because the pain was so great. I have always had very few memories of her, but tonight that changed. I cant remember her, but her soul is etched in my heart in a way that I cant explain with words. I dont know who she was, but I am her. I will never forget this night.

Unopened box

While searching for some required visa documentation in an unopened box still packed from when I moved over a year ago, a piece of paper came floating out with a poem on it by Mother Theresa that I thought I would share with you.....

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it

Life is a beauty, admire it

Life is a dream, realize it

Life is a challenge, meet it

Life is a duty, complete it

Life is a game, play it

Life is a promise, fulfill it

Life is sorrow, overcome it

Life is a song, sing it

Life is a struggle, accept it

Life is a tragedy, confront it

Life is an adventure, dare it

Life is luck, make it

Life is life, fight for it

I love that. 

Hillsong Sydney: Oceans Will Part

In just a few months I will be worshipping God with the very people you see in this video. This song  has fast become my new favorite. I've been listening to it like crazy for the last couple weeks. It accurately describes what God is doing in my life. He is so good to me and I as I sat here and watched this video I burst into a mysterious combination of hysterical laughter and tears of joy. I am so overwhelmed with the blessings and I am just in awe that this is all really happening. Someone please pinch me, for this dream cant be real. Why would He part an ocean for me???

Praying for passion

One of the things that has consistently been said about my faith, is that it is full of passion. Over and over again people have told me how I have inspired them by it and how I am overflowing with passion. My walk with God has taken me to places I never even imagined. I spoke to my ex-boyfriend this week. We were together for 7 years and broke up 4 years ago, and as we emailed back and forth, i was filled with mixed emotions that no time had passed, but at the same time, my whole world is different and that life seems like a lifetime ago. When I started my job 2 1/2 years ago I knew I was supposed to be there. I knew God was taking me on a journey. I knew I had finally been thrust into the life I was created for. My heart was filled with an abundance of passion and excitement and the thrill of the unknown. Little did I know how painful it was going to be. Little did I know that He was going to start cleaning out my heart and teaching me how to love the lost and unloveable. Little did I know that He was going to use my life as an example to an entire company of people. I haven't spent very much of my time as a Christian reflecting upon my past. I have different feelings about it. On one hand, it is a very important piece of who I am, and it only magnifies who God is because I should be dead or in jail or still strung out on drugs on a street corner. I should talk about how for years and years my relationship with my father was non-existent, how he abandoned me, how I felt so alone as a 13 year old girl and how I blamed God for killing my mother.... On the other hand, the majority of me has kept most of that inside because once I saw the truth of who I was and what I was created for, that whole life seemed to suddenly make sense. I finally understood why all that happened to me and I became extremely grateful for the sucky life that was handed to me. I thanked God that He had given me the blessing of understanding gut-wrenching pain, loneliness, abandonment, rejection, depression, and so many other things because now I could embrace freedom the way it was intended. True freedom living in the hands of Christ knowing that He had been by my side all those days I rejected Him just waiting for the day I would embrace Him. He knew the life that He was preparing for me..... Little did I know....

Well, for the last couple years I have said time and time again "I dont understand His plan, but I know it's big" And certainly this is bigger than I would have imagined. 

Since I started my job I have struggled to embrace it. I have embraced the people, and I have embraced the idea that God wants to use me to "witness without words" to them. To shine His light in that very lost and dark place. But recently He has been telling me to embrace my job. The actual work, which has been so difficult for me because it is work that is hard for me to understand. I work in the legal department and my job is to learn how to negotiate contracts. I didnt go to law school, and I dont even have a degree. I am a receptionist. I know how to be cheery and answer the phones. And I have really struggled in this area because for a long time I said "it's not about the job"..... Little did I know.... Because it is about the job. It is about so many other things also, but the job is part of it. I think the greatest fear of embracing it is that I will become enslaved by it. I have tried to explain the darkness of that place, but it is hard to. Money controls the minds of the leaders. Pride and ego are unlike anything I've ever seen. Hearts are hardened and I am looked upon with hatred by some people. Others love me, they see me for who I really am, and I truly try to embrace those people. For the last couple weeks life has been put in fifth gear and I am starting to feel a bit overwhelmed and the reality of what is about to happen is hitting me. My prayers have really been struggling and I have not been able to hear God. It is as though I am neglecting Him when I need Him the most. It is as though the passion is gone.... I told you that I was feeling led to read about Elijah.. I have been. I have been reading about his faith and his walk. And yesterday I got smacked in the face listening to Jenetzen Franklin. He was talking about passion and how it preceeds power. He was talking about Elijah and his passion. How God's power always follows when His children are passionate. As I look back at everything that has happened and the events leading me up until now, I see God was filling me with His power, His might, His strength and was literally parting the Red Sea for me because of my passion. Because I believed with all my heart that He could, and that He would. My worst fear was revealed to me this week: The more He gives me, the more I think I deserve it and the blinder I become to what He has and continues to do for me. My passion has faded over the last couple months and that breaks my heart. I dont want this life if it means I lose my passion. I would rather have nothing and have Him, than have everything without Him. So last night the most honest prayer I have prayed in awhile came out: "Lord, if this is NOT your will, if I will lose you, please take it away."  I dont know if He will. I have a feeling not. And if He doesnt, my prayer is that He never allows me to lose sight of who I really am and what He has done for me. That all of this is happening because of Him. I pray that He will evolve me in my job and equip me to be good at it AND to be whole-heartedly faithful to Him because up until now I havent figured out how. But today I woke up wanting Him more than anything, and I woke up feeling passion and wanting to write and share with you, which is something I havent felt in awhile and for that I am grateful.

today...

Everyone pretty much knows at work now that I am transferring. Word was starting to seep out last week and it was VERY strange for me talking about it out loud. I found myself still whispering and telling people to keep it on the down low. But it's pretty much old news now and everyone seems to know. Today I had a crowd of Aussies standing around my desk telling me where I should live, fun cities, where I will catch the ferry, etc... Apparently there is a battle between people who live in the Eastern Suburbs and the Northern Beaches... Wherever you live, it is better than the other. I am drawn to the Northern Beaches (Manly Beach to be exact) for 2 reasons: 1) obviously because its the beach. I desperately miss living close to the water. There is a path along the ocean there that is great for running and there are 2 big parks nearby. 2) i can take the ferry to work. This sounds like it will be kind of a pain in the butt on the days it is raining and they cancel the ferry, but I really like the idea of being able to have a 45 minute commute on a boat every day where I can finally catch up on my reading, listen to my ipod, and gaze out at the ocean. Apparently this is a fun place to meet people also.

On sort of a side off track note, I have been really struggling in my prayers. I'm not making the time for God that I really need right now. The moments that I do stop and pray, it is almost like I am refusing to listen to what He has to say... I am not sure why. I am feeling overwhelmed by the enormity of what is happening. I look at my life 3 years ago and I have absolutely no idea how I got to this place. God has given me a life that I certainly don't deserve and I feel this pressure to not screw it up. I definitely dont think He is putting that there. Worry and fear have unpacked their bags in my heart and have made themselves very comfortable. They create a lot of unnecessary anxiety. At any rate, I dont know where to focus my attention first which I think is why I am struggling. Prayer seems the perfect solution but there are too many things fighting for my attention I dont know where to begin.  

Anyways, I dont understand God's plan. Some other day, I will talk about the Red Sea and how He has parted it for me. I think He wants me to read about Elijah. I have been hearing the story of him praying for rain 7 times a lot the last couple days. I have no idea how that relates to me right now.

Okay, thats all.