Last night's journal entry...

Tonight, my father and I shared tears. We shared belly-aching laughter. We shared hours that are now trapped into a memory timecapsule never to be forgotten. He brought over to my house a box that held decades of memories. One box filled with generations of treasure. Some memories I had forgotten and some I had never known about. A box filled with life's story of my mother. But even better than pictures..... Letters. Her handwriting on paper. Word after word written to tell the story I never knew about. Love letters to my father. Love letters from him to her. "Now that I have you, I don't even know that the sea exists"...... A piece of paper filled with one liner's. Apparently she loved jokes. I never knew that. Happy letters and oh-so-sad ones. My dad and I were sharing a very special moment in time. Combing over the life of my mother. He read to me through his tears a letter she had written right before she had died about her wishes for the funeral. Now we were both in tears, and I was so grateful for this moment. My mother died when she was 39. As I approach 30, the thought of dying only 9 short years from now is terrifying. She had battled cancer since 24. But I know that God was with her. Her bibles, her rosary, all in the box. How I will treasure these priceless gifts that he has given me. There were also letters I had written. Letters to boys and best friends... More laughter, more tears. I didn't look at all of it. I want to savor every moment in there. More than anything, tonight made me miss her desperately. It will be 20 years in October. 20 years I have been without her. How did I ever survive? There is so much of my childhood that I can't remember. Most of it actually and I cry when i look at the memories and they dont bring anything back. I have blocked most of it out because the pain was so great. I have always had very few memories of her, but tonight that changed. I cant remember her, but her soul is etched in my heart in a way that I cant explain with words. I dont know who she was, but I am her. I will never forget this night.