Praying for passion

One of the things that has consistently been said about my faith, is that it is full of passion. Over and over again people have told me how I have inspired them by it and how I am overflowing with passion. My walk with God has taken me to places I never even imagined. I spoke to my ex-boyfriend this week. We were together for 7 years and broke up 4 years ago, and as we emailed back and forth, i was filled with mixed emotions that no time had passed, but at the same time, my whole world is different and that life seems like a lifetime ago. When I started my job 2 1/2 years ago I knew I was supposed to be there. I knew God was taking me on a journey. I knew I had finally been thrust into the life I was created for. My heart was filled with an abundance of passion and excitement and the thrill of the unknown. Little did I know how painful it was going to be. Little did I know that He was going to start cleaning out my heart and teaching me how to love the lost and unloveable. Little did I know that He was going to use my life as an example to an entire company of people. I haven't spent very much of my time as a Christian reflecting upon my past. I have different feelings about it. On one hand, it is a very important piece of who I am, and it only magnifies who God is because I should be dead or in jail or still strung out on drugs on a street corner. I should talk about how for years and years my relationship with my father was non-existent, how he abandoned me, how I felt so alone as a 13 year old girl and how I blamed God for killing my mother.... On the other hand, the majority of me has kept most of that inside because once I saw the truth of who I was and what I was created for, that whole life seemed to suddenly make sense. I finally understood why all that happened to me and I became extremely grateful for the sucky life that was handed to me. I thanked God that He had given me the blessing of understanding gut-wrenching pain, loneliness, abandonment, rejection, depression, and so many other things because now I could embrace freedom the way it was intended. True freedom living in the hands of Christ knowing that He had been by my side all those days I rejected Him just waiting for the day I would embrace Him. He knew the life that He was preparing for me..... Little did I know....

Well, for the last couple years I have said time and time again "I dont understand His plan, but I know it's big" And certainly this is bigger than I would have imagined. 

Since I started my job I have struggled to embrace it. I have embraced the people, and I have embraced the idea that God wants to use me to "witness without words" to them. To shine His light in that very lost and dark place. But recently He has been telling me to embrace my job. The actual work, which has been so difficult for me because it is work that is hard for me to understand. I work in the legal department and my job is to learn how to negotiate contracts. I didnt go to law school, and I dont even have a degree. I am a receptionist. I know how to be cheery and answer the phones. And I have really struggled in this area because for a long time I said "it's not about the job"..... Little did I know.... Because it is about the job. It is about so many other things also, but the job is part of it. I think the greatest fear of embracing it is that I will become enslaved by it. I have tried to explain the darkness of that place, but it is hard to. Money controls the minds of the leaders. Pride and ego are unlike anything I've ever seen. Hearts are hardened and I am looked upon with hatred by some people. Others love me, they see me for who I really am, and I truly try to embrace those people. For the last couple weeks life has been put in fifth gear and I am starting to feel a bit overwhelmed and the reality of what is about to happen is hitting me. My prayers have really been struggling and I have not been able to hear God. It is as though I am neglecting Him when I need Him the most. It is as though the passion is gone.... I told you that I was feeling led to read about Elijah.. I have been. I have been reading about his faith and his walk. And yesterday I got smacked in the face listening to Jenetzen Franklin. He was talking about passion and how it preceeds power. He was talking about Elijah and his passion. How God's power always follows when His children are passionate. As I look back at everything that has happened and the events leading me up until now, I see God was filling me with His power, His might, His strength and was literally parting the Red Sea for me because of my passion. Because I believed with all my heart that He could, and that He would. My worst fear was revealed to me this week: The more He gives me, the more I think I deserve it and the blinder I become to what He has and continues to do for me. My passion has faded over the last couple months and that breaks my heart. I dont want this life if it means I lose my passion. I would rather have nothing and have Him, than have everything without Him. So last night the most honest prayer I have prayed in awhile came out: "Lord, if this is NOT your will, if I will lose you, please take it away."  I dont know if He will. I have a feeling not. And if He doesnt, my prayer is that He never allows me to lose sight of who I really am and what He has done for me. That all of this is happening because of Him. I pray that He will evolve me in my job and equip me to be good at it AND to be whole-heartedly faithful to Him because up until now I havent figured out how. But today I woke up wanting Him more than anything, and I woke up feeling passion and wanting to write and share with you, which is something I havent felt in awhile and for that I am grateful.