Home.

Today was not a good day. By the end of the day I was so full of anxiety, that I was pretty sure a panic attack was going to set in. I sat at my desk all day in a very dark place in my mind. Can I be honest with you? I have put all of my hopes, all of my worth, everything into moving to Australia. In this weird twisted way, though I know it is an incredible blessing of God, I have also allowed it to become this thing that defines me. Because let me tell you something. I dont have a plan B. I dont have a backup to fall into if this doesnt work out. I am not worth the price of beans when it comes to being a valuable employee. I dont have what everyone else has, the degrees, the expensive education, the smarts. And I sit every day looking at the ones around me that do and lowering my self worth by the minute because of it. And recently when word got out that I am the one moving, I saw the expression on some people's face that said "YOU?!" "Why on earth does she get to go?!" I mean, I havent heard anyone say that, but I see it. I am very aware of the perception. Here is the crazy thing. This is a small minority of people. Most people are genuinely excited for me, but it's this small percentage that have what I don't in the ways of smarts and education so comparisons are always fluttering around me. 

At lunch, I took a walk alone. I prayed, no actually I begged God for a sign. Something to give me peace inside. Immediately I started looking all around at signs, billboards, buses thinking I would acutally get a sign. I got nothing.... Until I got home.

When I got home I put on my ipod and headed for the massive stack of stairs I have recently discovered in my neighborhood and I threw on a podcast that my friend burned for me over the weekend by Tim Keller, a pastor in NYC. He was preaching on the prodigal son in a way I had never heard before, but what stuck out most to me, no actually it knocked me off my feet and smacked me so hard in the face was a part where he quoted Henri Nouwen in a book that he wrote on the same topic:

"Home is the center of my being where I can hear the voice that says "You are my beloved, in whom I'm well pleased" Jesus made it clear that the same voice that He heard in the Jordan River and on Mount Tabor can be heard by me. He makes it clear that there's a home with the Father. But if I decide to keep control, if I go out into the world, I will keep running around asking everything "Do you really love me, do you really love me?" I give all the power to the voices of the world and it's the world that defines me then. The world's love is full of "if's" Yes, I love you IF you're good looking, IF you're intelligent, IF you're well off, IF you're educated, IF you have connections, IF you're productive.... Endless if's. And it is not too hard to know when I have left home spiritually.... Resentment, jealousy, desire for revenge, lust, greed, ambition, rivalry are all obvious signs that I have left home, that I am letting the world define me with it's love full of if's... But when I am home with the Father, when I know I am the beloved, I can confront and console and admonish and encourage without any fear of rejection, or need for affirmation. I can suffer persecution without desire for revenge or receive praise without using it as proof for my goodness."

Can I tell you something else? I have left home spiritually. I felt every single once of these things today and I am letting the world define me. I have no right to say I love Jesus when I hold jealousy and contempt in my heart. But these things come so naturally for me and I dont know how to not feel them. I am so afraid that this one amazing opportunity will fall through the cracks, I will be humiliated and then the world will see that I am a big fat loser who had no business going in the first place so I feel this need to protect it, to throw my arms around it and cling for dear life. 

This is the truth: Home is not in Sydney. It isnt California and it certainly isnt my job. It is a place in my heart where His opinion of me is the only one that matters and that regardless of my situation I am complete, I am forgiven and I am loved.

I want to go home.